the joy of the struggle (and how dog farts help me to not take ugly comments seriously)

once upon a time i lived in uganda. i did things like teach sunday school lessons, fed 150 village kids every saturday and sunday, wrote newsletters to supporters of this village ministry, and one time i had "the" talk (aka for those who don't know of what 'the' in :quotes: translates to = sex) with about 50 young girls....it was pretty awkward. since most my life had been spent hanging out with and teaching 3 year olds, i had to remind myself that "wee-wee" and "little girl area" were not the terms i needed to use with 9-15 year old girls (although i once had a 4 year old who somehow learned to call her little girl area her "kitty"--seriously "mom", you couldn't think of another 4 year old appropriate euphemism than "kitty" for her little girl area?)
moving on to...dog farts (seriously, it's coming, just keep reading, and it's all related to adoption, i promise).

anyhow, upon my return, i was visiting family, and i found myself in conversation with a jerk. a prideful jerk--though, that's kind of a redundant description because i have never met a humble jerk (the adoption part really is coming). we were talking about why i've done what i've done over my life: teach older students with severe emotional/behavioral disorders, travel to afghanistan about a year after 9/11 to teach in newly gender-intergrated classrooms, humanitarian work in ethiopia and burma, and recently a short trip to rwanda and a 5 month stay in uganda. i was talking about how "from whom much is given, much is expected" and i felt that my soul could have easily been born in a body in an impoverished country or under the rule of a faction that gives no value to women, but since my soul was blessed to have been born in a body ("you don't have soul, you are a soul, you have a body"--c.s. lewis) in america, my body should take itself to other lands to help those souls in those bodies. at the end of our conversation, he asked me (not out of curiosity, but out of indignant hateful judgement): "in all you've done, haven't you found that there are some people that are not worth saving". :jaw hits the floor and fist clinch: (i kind of wanted to retort back, "yeah, you" but Jesus hovered over me and put His hand over my mouth, He's cool like that).

here's the thing: some people don't understand love. there are three types of love:
storge: what you have for your family
eros: love you have for, well, your lover
philia: brotherly love, as in what christians have toward each other
agape: the highest form of love, the love Christ showed toward us, and commands us to show toward all (agape is sacrificial, open, non-judging, non-offensive...you know, just look at the fruits of the spirit, agape produces those).

i've been asked by people:
* "why are you adopting?" (judgmentally, not really wanting to know our story)
* "why's you not adopting from 'murica? kidz heres need a's family too!" (crushes can on head) (kidding, but i like to tell stories in hyperbole) (and yes, absolutely! children in the foster system need families too! and we will do that, later :))
* "why are you adopting a child with special needs, why do you want to punish yourself for the rest of your life? you'll never be able to go to the beach and have fun again, you'll never...." (yes, that is the most important part of life, having fun at the beach...)
* ...so on

there's also trolls:

except the ones i'm talking about probably don't look like that....though i'd like to imagine they have really crazy hair and big eyes, because it makes what they write more humorous (when you can decipher it, often it's filled with really poor grammar...)
"trolls" like to send what they deem as nasty messages to you through your blog or leave comments (i moderate comments so i don't publish them....i refuse to publish comments with poor grammar).  they seem to have an issue with families fundraising (i think that's what they are trying to say...).  i did once, as a child, bury $30,000 in a tin can with my brother's micro machine car and my friend's favorite hello kitty neckalce-but i seem to have forgotten where i buried the $30,000, otherwise we'd totally dig it up right now and use it to fund our adoption.

see, here's the thing about all these fundraisers you all see--the joy is in the giving, the joy is in the story, the joy is in the faith that He will provide through His body, because we have AGAPE love for each other. oh, ye of little faith that need it to be easy! i LOVE learning to trust in HIM. i love seeing Him provide through my brothers and sisters in Christ, it's our way of telling each other, "hey! we're all family! bloodlines mean nothing! WE ARE ALL IN HIS BLOODLINE!" if all these families already had $30,000 + for their adoptions, then when other areas of life got rough, they'd be starting out so weak, and have to learn to trust from that point--but if in this process, we see Him provide through the silliest of ways, and the most humble of our brothers and sisters in Christ, then how much more do we learn to trust in HIS WAYS! how much more can we feel that He is there with us, with our other adoptive community. i don't understand what all the "use your money" stuff is about anyway...it's not "our money" and your money isn't even "your money"...it's His money, He has entrusted us to steward it! the hubs and i continue to support our kids through gospel for asia, we continue to support a mission family in uganda, we continue to support other adoptive families...because we know it's not our money. we receive so much joy from giving to others, and others who give, receive joy as well.

so, (here comes the dog fart part from earlier) when jerks say ugly things about missions and humanitarian work, and trolls with colorful pink hair that sticks straight up and with big eyes say unkind things (i think it was supposed to be unkind...) i don't sweat it, and you please don't sweat it either, you have the joy! they are missing the joy. besides, i have more important things to worry about, like why my dog's farts stink so bad. seriously, this guy can clear a room, wake you up from a dead sleep...he's actually had such bad smelling gas before that he's looked around to see "who did it" and then left the room. this is my pressing concern right now...dog farts. :)

paper pregnancy...also i can't wait for slamming doors

honesty about paper pregnancy hormones and the issues: 

"paper pregnancy" refers to the period of time from when you have PA (pre-approval) to when you actually are with your child...some people think adoption is awesome because you don't have to deal with all those pregnancy "issues"...wrong. except for the excessive gas, i don't have excessive gas (my husband is happy about this). but, you do become weepy. you do become stressed. you do want to eat crazy amounts of ben & jerry's salted caramel core ice-cream and taco bell (maybe these last two are just me, and the stress).  you do get all weepy watching commercials (freakin' commercials!) on t.v., you get all weepy reading news stories and seeing videos of students with down syndrome (or other disabilities) accepted into college or realize other dreams and goals. you do cry in the shower missing them (and then try to convince your husband that "nooooo...of course you're not crying" but they know you well and know that you actually are doing one of those silent tear drop cries).

several of my friends are pregnant. sweet girls, they're going to be wonderful mommies. i am so filled with joy in our adoption, we are choosing to adopt first to build our family, but, honestly, there is a twinge of sadness combined with jealousy seeing them in their pregnancy. they can touch their belly anytime they want and feel their child, all i have is two pictures.  i wear them around my neck in a locket, and her sweet face is close to my heart, but that's all i can do, i can't not reach out and hug her. they can nourish their body, protect their child, for 9 months. for the next 9 months i can only pray my daughter is healthy, protected, and nourished. if you are pregnant, treasure it, treasure knowing that your child is already with you and that you can protect them. 

in this waiting period we are in, with many other adoptive families, my heart races to all the "what-ifs"....what if something happens and china halts all the adoptions (like what occurred in russia), what if we aren't trying hard enough to find a way to move to china and raise her in her birth culture. what if....

i think of her birth mother every day. i wonder if her birth mother had been blessed to have been born in the freedom of america, if she would have still felt she had no other option than to give her sweet daughter up. i wonder if she still cries for her, the child she felt the best thing she could do for was to abandon them and give them a chance to be adopted. i think of her foster parents, and how they provided for and cared for her for the past 7 years.  she has stated she wants to be adopted and move to america with her forever family, but i wonder of the emotional toll us taking her will have on her foster parents, if any.

heidi baker is an awesome woman.  she was speaking once and said that she could tell when her adoptive children really felt they were part of the family, they would go from asking to get something out of the refrigerator, to just opening it and getting what they wanted--"refrigerator rights".  i understand this now, even though my daughter isn't home yet. i want her to feel her "slamming doors" rights. not that we will support that (slamming doors) her whole life, what i mean is, i want her to know that she can become upset and display this, and see that our love for her does not fade even in those times. she can slam a door, and know that we will be on the outside ready to talk it over when she is ready, and eager to follow up with a hug and "i love you". she can understand and know that she can be a kid (after years of adult responsibilities like caring for younger foster siblings), and still be treasured and valued beyond description. i'll take the tantrums, i'll take the power struggles, i'll take the testing limits and slamming doors, i just want her home, with us, safe and loved. 

“Sing, O barren one, who did not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not been in labor! For the children of the desolate one will be more than the children of her who is married,” says the LORD.--isaiah 54:1 

so as to not be a total debbie-downer, here's a picture of one of my favorite animal photo bombs, ever:

and one of a monkey who found a photo-journalist's lost camera and succeeded in taking the best selfie ever:

they will know us by our love for one another

"by this, they will all know you are my disciples if you have love for one another" --john 13:35

one thing i love about the adoption community, is how you feel instantly connected with a stranger who lives states away simply because you are both adopting. the reece's rainbow community is incredibly supportive and encouraging, with emerging friendships and life-long bonds formed, even if you never actually meet. there are of course, these people known as "trolls" who hate adoption...i think that's their point...i'm not sure what their solution is to the orphan crisis, but i'm sure if they'd articulate it instead of attacking adoptive families i'd nominate them for the nobel peace prize; but then again, it's easier to be venomous than it is to actually do something to make a positive change....

there's lots of judgement and nasty things said about adoption, families who adopt, families who adopt and admit it is H-A-R-D. it's easier to throw stones and spit venom than it is to reach out and offer encouragement. we don't think that "'murica is the greatest place in the galaxy! red, white, and err......blue!!!" but it is a blessed nation-that is why more countries are open to international adoptions where the forever family is in america than any other country (aside from putin, but really look at what the guy's done, do you really want him to be the example, the hill you die hoist your flag and die on?).  research the statistics of what happens to orphaned children that age out in china (and other countries).  should they really age out and become social outcasts with no real promises of jobs and quality education just because someone has a some issues with a few families that have adopted (or adoption in general, but again, i ask for their solution....change a culture? great, move there, do that-change the culture's mindset; better yet, move there, or become involved with a program that gets to the root of the issue so that there won't be any orphaned children to begin with...).

for every rotten person that slips through the cracks and is approved for adoption, and then bad stuff happens, there's 1,000s more that are wonderful, loving, caring, and servant-hearted families.  kind of like those wackos from westboro baptist church--you can't judge all christians by those 15.  kind of like kids with guns...not all kids carry guns to harm each other.  kind of like people in the south, most of us do have all of our teeth and can speak articulately. kind of like people up north, they don't all support abortion clinic inside walmarts.

moving on...:
i bought our sweet girl a dress the other day, and i hung it in her room.  i wasn't expecting the tears that would fill my eyes as i did this, and the ones that would continue to stream down my cheeks as i walked out and back down our stairs (trolls, don't worry, we will move upstairs to the guest room once our sweet girl is home and adjusted and feeling safe and secure).  i just want her home. i want to know that she is safe, nurtured, loved, and lavished with positive affirmation; the only way  my heart will rest is when she is home, and i know i and the hubs are providing that to her, and this is still 7-12 months away.

my in-laws are selling their home and buying one in our neighborhood, which will be wonderful for our sweet girl, to have her grandparents so close by.  we're excited to have them a quick walk away (don't worry, our neighborhood has private roads, and sidewalks which hare perfectly safe to walk on).

some resources:
i prefer facts to opinions and judgements
statistics are fun!
so many numbers!!!!!!
educate yourself past a news story (or two)
you'd rather them age out?--then do something about it (this is a christian site, but if you can find an atheist site that promotes ways to care for aging out orphans, then by all means....)

and finally: IT IS SO MUCH EASIER TO JUST LOVE PEOPLE.  hate is taxing and plus causes premature wrinkles, all that anger! let's just love each other.  they will know who we are, by our love for one another.

and if you're not a christian, you're still not excused, there is no reason to kill love:
“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” --anais nin

her precious face and resilient spirit

It's been two days since we've been able to share the only two pictures we have of our sweet girl with you all.  My heart has been wanting to share her sweet face and resilient spirit long before now, but there had been another decision on China's end we were waiting on. 

what's next. the question we've been asked like a eleventh-bilion times. here's a summary: 

* book reports!  yeah, we have to read three recommended books from a list of about 30, and write book reports on them-i need to find my old APA books...

* watch about 10 hours of online training videos and take a test on them afterward

* confirm that ryan is not a secret felon (i know I'm not, but how well do we ever know anyone) (i kid, i kid, he's harmless)

* have some people that have good things to say about us submit some recommendations

* file an uscis i-800a application and do some sort of special fingerprinting

* submit our dossier (dos-e-a) (a lot of paperwork, fancy word for a lot of paperwork) 

* wait. 

* wait

* wait

* wait some more

* travel

in between these is a lot money due (well, the most is due right before travel) ($15,000), at one point in submission of paperwork we have like $4,000 due, and at another point we have like $3,000 due, but the main "ohmygod, we have what due?!" is right before travel, which means i have about 7 months to exercise and eat right so that when $15,000 is due, i can stress eat all the hostess cupcakes and prince's hot chicken and still end up at my starting point. 

but none of that matters! look at the sweet, beautiful, happy, and resilient girl that is about to have a forever family!

there is so much to do! 

* learn mandarin (easy-peasy!)

* order this really cute bed set from landofnod.com 

* learn to cook sticky rice and steam fish

* really, really, really sleep in a few more times, like teenager lever 11 a.m. sleep in; because life is about to change---for the awesomely better! 

* i'm sure there's "few" more things i'm forgetting, but, we'll figure it out! 

ahhhhh!!!! i love being able to fully share our joy with you all now! 

more than anything

my thoughts have been meandering through the forrest of adoption pains and sorrows lately.

here are a few things you should know:

*it is not okay to ask us if we are "sure we can handle a special needs child"
would you ask a pregnant woman who was told her baby would have birth defects if she was sure she wanted to keep it? no, no you wouldn't. there is no difference. she is our daughter. we will continue to work to bring her home.

*it is not okay to tell us "you cannot save them all"
what is my response supposed to be, "oh, good point, let them wither and die then"? no. it doesn't matter if we can't "save them all"--we can be her mommy and daddy, and that will change HER world. that's what matters.

*do not tell us "you don't know what she's gone through, i mean, what if she really has a lot of problems?"
she is the one who has been hurt and abandoned. i'm really glad this isn't the response Jesus had when His Father sent Him to us.

*do not ask "aren't you going to miss being able to take fun family vacations, going out with friends, having easy family dinners"
what is our response supposed to be? "yes, we know there is unimaginable suffering in our daughter's life, but gosh, the beach is really calling our name, let it be someone else's problem...." no. that will not be our response. i will probably say something ugly to you.

what we nee more than anything, is support, encouragement, and love.

we are about 9 months out from potentially being able to bring home our daughter. a pregnant woman can touch her belly and feel her baby move, sing to her baby, and nourish her baby in her womb--i can do none of this for my daughter. i cannot hold her yet, i cannot tell her i love her yet, i cannot do everything in my power to ensure she is healthy and safe yet.

i have a few pictures of my sweet girl, and two videos. other mommies can take 100 pictures a day if they wish and fix a cute little baby book. i will never have a picture of my sweet girl as a baby, i will never be able to save the paper where she first wrote her name, drew her first cat, dog, bird...i will never have those sentimental cards and picture she made at 2, 3, 4, 5, and so on. i was not there to hold her hand and kiss her forehead before she was taken into major surgery at the tender sweet age of 4. there is so much i have missed, but MORE IMPORTANTLY, THERE IS SO MUCH SHE HAS MISSED, and that SHATTERS MY HEART.

with so much weight that mommies and daddies carry through the course of adoption, even if you can't help financially, with words of spiritual counsel, or offer words from experience, then a smile, a hug, a prayer, or just telling us how beautiful she is means more than you know.

to summarize: if you wouldn't say it to a pregnant woman, don't say it to a mommy in the midst of adoption.

on an exciting and positive note: <3
--oh, and go check out the beautiful jewelry made by the beautiful women in ecuador, south africa, kenya, uganda, ethiopia, and vietnam. there are some really cute new spring color pieces in! enter "carmen preciado" in the order notes for a percentage to go toward our adoption! :)

johari creations

this is where i always want to be: perched on His cross. 

my heart beats again

the hubs and i talked about adoption on our first date: how he was adopted, my experience working with vulnerable and orphaned children, and both our desires to adopt (we decided to keep the conversation light for the first date ;)), so when our first anniversary approached, we had already been little prayer warriors for the precious faces and souls on reece's rainbow, and saw the sweet soul we knew would be OUR daughter.

the country she lives in has LOTS of requirements to adopt a child from there, one of them is to be married for at least two years (or be able to prove you've known each other that long). we did not meet this requirement--since our first date was June 28th, 2012, we were engaged on August 4th, 2012, and married on January 19, 2013.  we were determined to walk by faith through this anyway, and signed on with the agency and began our home study. this wasn't the best time to begin the process if you are impatient or fretful (--i am fretful, but not eeyore fretful or chicken little fretful...more like "ye of little faith" fretful), as chinese new year was approaching. chinese new year is like our new year, only on steroids, magnified, a week long, and the whole country pretty much shuts down. it's awesome. unless you are waiting on the approval issued from a governmental office in regards to your adoption. we hoped we'd hear back before the year of the horse was welcomed in on January 31, but no; and governmental offices would not reopen until February 6th. surely we'd hear back the next day or so. nope. my mind raced and heart fluttered, and fretted, i was approaching eeyore level.

febuary18th, a terrible invader attacked my stomach and i was rendered helpless. i could not work and spread the viral intruder to my cute little preschoolers so i called out. one moment i was outside with our new pup, pleading with him (gnarls barkley) through pains so severe i thought surely my stomach was being torn into by invisible giant hands, and the next i was on the phone with our adoption liaison hearing that they had ISSUED OUR WAIVER!!!! (i shouldn't have capitalized that for you skim readers...).

before we had heard back regarding our waiver, we took a step of faith and began our home study (where it is confirmed you have the emotional, mental, and spiritual strength to raise a child).

we also began saving money and fundraising. goodbye whole foods, and even trader joe's...hello aldi! her room furnishings are all picked out on www.landofnod.com, and we're staring at a rosetta stone for mandarin hoping for a gift of tongues (in mandarin) to be imparted to us so we can communicate with our sweet DAUGHTER from the beginning.

we can't publicly share her picture yet, maybe in a few more weeks-but until then, just know that she is the sweetest, most precious, created perfectly in His image 10 year old girl you can imagine!

after being held in captivity, my heart can beat again.

until then, here's a picture of a dinosaur asking noah why he didn't tell him about the ark (i think T means "ark" though, the "arc" is a totally different thing, unless he was really concerned with holiness).

my heart stopped

i dreamt of our journey to you again. but this time, they told us "no", with no accompanying reason or explanation.

when i heard those two letters, that one word, a sharp pain came upon my chest, and shot down my arm. i lost my breath and my chest tightened. all those "those thoughts of future memories" were jerked from my soul.  gasping for breath from my increasingly tightening chest, i mustered out another "why", and she shook her head in sadness, and said "they didn't say, i don't know". the tightness and sharp pain were unbearable now, and then, my heart stopped.

somewhere in my soul, leaving to it's final home, i felt they crowded around me, and began to compress my chest, breath into my mouth, do everything they had been taught, but nothing worked.

i fear the "adoption miscarriage", and that fear took over my dreams the other night. fear is not from the Lord; i trust in the peace His promises bring.

i trust in Him. i trust in His love for you. He promises that He will not leave you as an orphan; and He's intwined you so deeply into my heart it defies His promises that He would allow you to be ripped out.

every night i lay in bed, waiting to hear you coming down the stairs to seek our help or call to me for a glass of water. each morning, i walk by the stairs and look up, longing for the future days i will walk up them to gently and sweetly wake you up. every day driving to work, i look in my review mirror, wanting you to already be in my backseat, and each day i prepare dinner, i desperately want to have to fix an extra portion; but you're not here yet.

we have a home study visit tomorrow, and with it, great joy, as we are moving one step closer (though there are many steps, we gladly take each one, counting it joy).

we love you sweet girl.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)  --e.e. cummings

praying to have you home by this Christmas!