my heart stopped

i dreamt of our journey to you again. but this time, they told us "no", with no accompanying reason or explanation.

when i heard those two letters, that one word, a sharp pain came upon my chest, and shot down my arm. i lost my breath and my chest tightened. all those "those thoughts of future memories" were jerked from my soul.  gasping for breath from my increasingly tightening chest, i mustered out another "why", and she shook her head in sadness, and said "they didn't say, i don't know". the tightness and sharp pain were unbearable now, and then, my heart stopped.

somewhere in my soul, leaving to it's final home, i felt they crowded around me, and began to compress my chest, breath into my mouth, do everything they had been taught, but nothing worked.

i fear the "adoption miscarriage", and that fear took over my dreams the other night. fear is not from the Lord; i trust in the peace His promises bring.

i trust in Him. i trust in His love for you. He promises that He will not leave you as an orphan; and He's intwined you so deeply into my heart it defies His promises that He would allow you to be ripped out.

every night i lay in bed, waiting to hear you coming down the stairs to seek our help or call to me for a glass of water. each morning, i walk by the stairs and look up, longing for the future days i will walk up them to gently and sweetly wake you up. every day driving to work, i look in my review mirror, wanting you to already be in my backseat, and each day i prepare dinner, i desperately want to have to fix an extra portion; but you're not here yet.

we have a home study visit tomorrow, and with it, great joy, as we are moving one step closer (though there are many steps, we gladly take each one, counting it joy).

we love you sweet girl.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)  --e.e. cummings

praying to have you home by this Christmas!