the final countdown and a rat race. also, holiness.

this is how i feel right now.

i went to bed at 6:30 last night, after: 

8 hours

4 counties

3 county clerk offices

one state capitol/secretary of state office

also there was a car that exploded (not ours)

and we had to walk a mile in the rain

and i had a gas station hot dog (because i was getting hangry)

we finally accumulated all of the documents which make up the dossier packet: official copies of birth certificates, an official copy of our marriage certificate, really detailed physicals, verification of employment (letter from a boss), a detailed financial statement/breakdown, our letter of intent (to adopt our daughter), and final home study (well, the i-800a approval is part of the dossier too, but it takes a while, so we proceeded with what we had and will do that one later). all of these have to have been issued in the last 6 months and then be notarized. if they aren't notarized on the day they were issued, you have to attach a letter of authentic to them and have that notarized. then you have to go to the county clerk's office (of the county the notary was commissioned in) and have the notarization certified (a piece of paper attached that says the notary is legit and all that), then you have to go to the state capitol/secrety of state and have all that authenticated (verifying that the person at the county clerk office (who verified the notary) which is also a piece of paper with a fancy sticker seal on it. 

after almost 6 hours, 3 counties, passing a car engulfed in flames that shut down the other side of the highway, and having to eat a gas station hot dog (because i was hangry,) we finally were able to have the authentication done...but had to park over a mile away. as soon as we park our car (over a mile away), it began to rain. i can't even make this stuff up. at this point, i was not the virtuous wife. if anyone tells you this process is fun and they never felt stress, they're lying. or a masochist. 

it felt like this: 

but we won and are still married. 

this process is also a litmus test for your marriage. 

so are puppies. raise a puppy together before you raise a child together. 

we are mailing in our dossier packet today with a $7,000 check. pocket change. --not really, we're kind of at the stress out point right now. (if you want some pretties and fun things, you should "buy an envelope" as a part of our fundraiser, every envelope comes with a neat thing! :)

after a few tears yesterday (and eye rolls, not going to lie), when we were handed back our 8,000 sheets of paper, notarizations, certifications, and authentifications, i felt a relief, a lightness, and silly for stressing. there's a really neat vision described in isaiah 6:2-

seraphim is flying the Lord God on His throne, each has 6 wings, two covered his eyes, two covered his feet and he flew with the other two singing to one another, "Holy! Holy! Holy! is the Lord God Almighty! the whole earth is full of His glory!"

the Holiness of the Lord was so great, so beautiful, so powerful, even the angels-seraphim couldn't gaze upon him or show their feet. that's how i feel right now.
i think of all the stress, the worry, the frets, and now we are almost at the "waiting point", i think "how silly! how silly of me, what little faith i have!" would not a God with such might, power, and Holiness have control over our adoption, isn't He sovereign over a silly paper work process? the same Lord whose Holiness is blinding, He loves our daughter! the same Lord whose Holiness is too much for moses to directly see, who the seraphim couldn't bare his feet in front of loves our daughter, He has written her days and her name on the palm of His hand (isaiah 49:16).

when i stress, or fret, or fear, i think of His Holiness, and His love for us and our daughter. i think of how He wants to draw us near Him, the veil was torn from top to bottom (matthew 27:51)--He tore it! to draw us closer to him. all these stresses and frets seem just silly in comparison.

WE MUST ALLOW OUR CHILDREN TO STAY IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND! that is where they, and we, are safest. that is how He can do His greatest work. i want that kind of faith.

waiting.

think you grow impatient while waiting in a doctor's office, that is a vacation compared to the wait you must endure between  your home study being submitted to the official government people, then the wait from your super-duper biometric fingerprinting appointment, to approval, to getting all those official seals and what nots on your dossier documents to sending it off, to translation, to it being sent to your child's birth country.

it's kind of like getting a root canal, with no novocain, while having to listen to backstret boys, and watch teletubbies on the t.v. and then the dentist coughs in your mouth. but times 10. 

we're applying for a show hope grant. if that doesn't work out, we'll have to become part of the breatharian movement to save on food cost. (not really trolls, chill out :)) 

i had been praying that God would give our sweet girl dreams and visions of us, so she would begin to feel connected to us, see us, etc. i totally believe in miracles and works of the Spirit. (story to follow).  we found a nifty deal on amazon local for a discount on a picabo photo album, and just made one, once we receive it, we'll be able to include it in a love package we've put together for her. 

here's a story of the way the Holy Spirt can totally act as a message-sender: 

this one time, i was in a secret off-limits country working to love and provide medical care for a persecuted people group. there were lots of military junta guys there that could/would kill us. or take us hostage to prove a point. we had this wonderful native man as our guide, he was our connection, the one who knew how to keep us alive and get us from point a to point b to point c and then d, e, f, g....
anyhow, he had been having some health issues and while we were there, he became VERY ill. so ill, we weren't sure he'd recover. without him, we'd be taken and imprisioned. and then probably die. or be maimed. it was real guys. and we didn't have rambo to save us. my friend and i (we were with a team of 8) began to pray. we had no way to contact anyone to get a prayer chain going, so we prayed that the Holy Spirit would act as a "text message" of sorts, put a word on someone's heart to pray, pray, pray. we prayed fervently. we recited st. patricks breastplate and prayed some more. well, this guy made a recovery and continued to lead us through military check-points, paying off the appropriate machine-gun holding guys to let us to our next village. when we returned home, that sunday at church, one of the leaders in our church approached my friend and i, asking about the trip. we told him of all the miracles, decisions to follow Christ, and about the golden retriever we say in a "zoo" there.  he asked if we encountered any trouble and we told him our story. he laughed and stated that morning he was headed into walmart and he was stopped, held in place by the Spirit of God, and an incredible burden placed on his heart to pray for us, for safety and protection. after he prayed, he was released and continued on. the mooring he told us that this occurred...would have been the exact time we were praying fervently for our guide/safety ensurerer's healing! 

her room has become my prayer closet. i try to visit it daily and pray in it for her. for her heart. for her healing and peace when she comes home. 

i can pretend this whole process is pretty and fun and perfect. i can pretend ugly things are not said to us. or i can be upfront about the ugly things said through "anonymous" comments or ignorant family members and strangers and be the "angry christian" in my response. but i'm working on the peace maker thing (see my last post). the angry christian may be great for blog traffic, but it misrepresents His power that comes over us when our flesh wants to rule. it misrepresents the peace He puts in our hearts, and it misrepresents the message of "it's not about me".  the angry christian may get me lots of one word comments like "truth!" and "preach!" and so on,  i'm pretty sure more masses a'mened and cheered with saul as he was over-seeing the stoning of stephen than did when he was bring the actual Word of God. i'll take less attention with more the Peace of God, because the angry christian just isn't becoming any more, not for this mommy's heart that is begging to be purified. :) <3