words and the heart

i've always dreamt about what kind of mother i'd be (i've also dreamt of what kind of wife i'd be. ha! was i ever so wrong! ;)).

--i was a pretty awesome fiancé though: 

even as a little girl, in a struggling single parent household, with an overworked and overstressed mommy, i knew no matter what, i wanted to be a ball of positive energy, spiritual encouragement, and sprinkle our household with sunshine and rainbows and have only happy looking spiders. like this:

i wanted to be the mommy who shielded my children, protected them, helped them to believe they were made perfectly in His image, and that there is a beautiful purpose for their life. 

i knew i wanted to be the mommy that first prayed with them when they felt attacked, sad, worried, scared and defeated. 

i knew i wanted to guide my children to first find their identity in Christ, because nothing can shake that. 

i wanted to guide them as they opened their hearts to allow God to plant those seeds and water them. 

many moments now are spent in self-examination and reflection, and i try to remain cognizant of how i respond to stressful situations, let-downs, and hardship. 

do i respond with grace? 

would this be how i responded if my lucy-girl and luke were in the car? if they were beside me? 

what words am i speaking when trials arise? when the enemy attacks? 

The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks. --luke 6:45

did you know there are power in your words?

what am i speaking life into when life is rough or uncertain? 

we were created in the image of God: God spoke words over dust, and dust became man, and God spoke breath into man, and man lived. we have power in the words we speak. 

we can speak life into people, ourselves, and situations.

the power of life and death is in the tongue. --proverbs 18:21

in the process of adoption you have some control, but also there is so much out of your hands. so many times the aching of your heart cannot be resolved by any person.  

so many times the only balm to ease the burning within your soul is the email that tells you it's time to go get your child.  

but it compares NOTHING to when our children are home. the grief they will experience. the transition they are being asked to make. i believe the process of adoption is hard, but the process of being adopted is harder. 

my heart must become so much stronger. 

there is no room or allowance for a weak heart when my precious lucy-girl and luke are walking through their grief. there is no room for me to speak anything out of the flesh when our family encounters trials. they are watching and listening. i want them to watch a mother who is solidly standing with Christ, and i want them to listen as i speak life into anything we may face together. 

a place for you

dear one:

i celebrated my birthday with your daddy yesterday, and we did the things we would do if you were with us:

we went to the discovery science museum

we went to the zoo

and we spent extra time outside playing with gnarls barkley

except, you weren't with us, and it just seemed somber.

my sweet girl, what have your birthdays been like?

were you served breakfast in bed? 

were there balloons? a cake? did you get to choose what was served for dinner?

did anyone take your face into their hands, look you in the eyes, tell you they were so blessed God created you?

did they speak truth over you, whispering your identity into your ears as you laid your head down:

you are created perfectly in His image (gensis 1:27)

He holds all your tears in a bottle and lists your sorrows (psalm 56:8) 

nothing can remove your name from His book of life (revelation 3:5)

even in the depths, He is there with you (psalm 139:8)

you are the apple of His eye (zechariah 2:8) 

and this: 

13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be. --psalm 139:13-16

you now know we are coming for you, you know what we look like, and you’ve read our words to you, how we love you, and are preparing a place for you. 

i pray you don’t lose hope, i pray you know it’s not us taking so long to come-we would swim the ocean right now to get to you; i pray you understand i love your foster family deeply and am forever indebted to them for caring for you these years.

we'll set a place for you at thanksgiving, at christmas, and we'll gather with those that love you on your birthday, and i pray as your next birthday approaches on january 18th, that it will be a joyful one, because you know we are not far away. 

i will be a wall

to my sweet daughter:

you don't know this, but i'm bringing you into a war zone.

there is a war being waged (on women) here:
it tells young girls like you, that your body is not your own, and it is not to be treasured and protected.

it tells us that our value relates to our waist size, doe eyes, soft skin, lush hair, and absence of wrinkles.

the war whispers into your ear that you free yourself by sharing with anyone what was meant only for you and your husband.















the war shouts out our happiness increases with our bank account.

the war proudly sings out, with clanging symbols, the beating of drums, and strumming of guitars: "eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you die"

but i will be a wall. i will protect you, i will guard you, and i will guide you. i will guide you to Him: the One who created you, and brought us to you. i will guide you to the One who holds your identity. i will sing of His praises over your sleeping head. i will embrace you in my hands because of the nails embraced by His.

sweet daughter, it is a war zone; except the weapons are not of flesh an physical things, but they are of a spiritual nature, and they have divine power to destroy strongholds:

"for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but have divine power to destroy strongholds."--2 corinthians 10:4

i continue to pray in your room. the stains of oil remain on the door post where i anointed it. hours of worship songs play on repeat, welcoming His healing presence into your room.
i walk into your room, and i feel at peace. i feel Him in there, and i feel you in there.

dear sweet daughter, we are building a wall so that all you see is Him and all you feel is a security nothing can rip away.

we will proudly bare our chest as he takes aims, and absorb any arrows the enemy may throw at you, (because) your precious worth is immeasurable.

what i want you to know

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”--washington irving

i want you to know that when we first knew we were going to become your forever mommy and daddy, i woke up nightly with horrific stomach pains and in mournful tears at the thought that we were going to be pulling you away from the only life you've known for 11 years. i would weap because at some point in the near future i would be holding you as you missed and wept for the foster family you had for the past 7 years.

i want you to know we did not hastily rush into this, thinking we were "saving" you. we spoke with families that had adopted older children from your home's foster system, we spoke with experts, and even "anti-adoption" people.

***prospective adoptive parents: you are not the brave ones, you are not the ones

worthy of the admiration, the children leaving everything they know are. 

we want you to know that we learned everything we could about the possibilities for you if you remained there. we want you to know we learned what life would look like for you past the age of 14 (the age you are no longer able to be adopted) and after you turned 18, and after learning these things and that life, we made the decision to trust in God's direction that the painful journey would end up being a blessing.

i want you to know that even now, i want to collapse and weap at the new adjustments you will have to make. i want you to know that you are so brave and the strongest person i know. i want you to know you were long ago asked to carry a burden no innocent child should ever have to carry. i want you to know that we will carry that with you, but mostly, you have an adoring Heavenly Father who wants to carry all the burdens, pains, and tears for you.

"For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."--matthew 11:30

and each tear you've cried, since the great injustice had been done to you from infancy, He holds each of those tears in a bottle and knows each sorrow: (psalm 56:8)

i want you to know that we insisted, many times, you must be asked if you wanted to be adopted, we insisted the process was explained to you, we insisted you know in us becoming your forever mommy and daddy, that meant you would leave your foster family--leave the sights, smells, sounds, and people you knew to come to a land where you did not understand the language, the people looked different, the food tasted different, and life was as different as you could imagine.

i want you to know that as your tears fall, and your heart adjusts, and there is so much for you to take in, i will be there wrapping my arms around you and crying with you. i want you to know that i love your foster mother, and i will always have an undying gratitude to her, i will always be indebted for her, and i will always embrace her in my heart as my sister-mommy because she loved you before i knew you.