Saturday, February 22, 2014

my heart beats again

the hubs and i talked about adoption on our first date: how he was adopted, my experience working with vulnerable and orphaned children, and both our desires to adopt (we decided to keep the conversation light for the first date ;)), so when our first anniversary approached, we had already been little prayer warriors for the precious faces and souls on reece's rainbow, and saw the sweet soul we knew would be OUR daughter.

the country she lives in has LOTS of requirements to adopt a child from there, one of them is to be married for at least two years (or be able to prove you've known each other that long). we did not meet this requirement--since our first date was June 28th, 2012, we were engaged on August 4th, 2012, and married on January 19, 2013.  we were determined to walk by faith through this anyway, and signed on with the agency and began our home study. this wasn't the best time to begin the process if you are impatient or fretful (--i am fretful, but not eeyore fretful or chicken little fretful...more like "ye of little faith" fretful), as chinese new year was approaching. chinese new year is like our new year, only on steroids, magnified, a week long, and the whole country pretty much shuts down. it's awesome. unless you are waiting on the approval issued from a governmental office in regards to your adoption. we hoped we'd hear back before the year of the horse was welcomed in on January 31, but no; and governmental offices would not reopen until February 6th. surely we'd hear back the next day or so. nope. my mind raced and heart fluttered, and fretted, i was approaching eeyore level.

febuary18th, a terrible invader attacked my stomach and i was rendered helpless. i could not work and spread the viral intruder to my cute little preschoolers so i called out. one moment i was outside with our new pup, pleading with him (gnarls barkley) through pains so severe i thought surely my stomach was being torn into by invisible giant hands, and the next i was on the phone with our adoption liaison hearing that they had ISSUED OUR WAIVER!!!! (i shouldn't have capitalized that for you skim readers...).

before we had heard back regarding our waiver, we took a step of faith and began our home study (where it is confirmed you have the emotional, mental, and spiritual strength to raise a child).

we also began saving money and fundraising. goodbye whole foods, and even trader joe's...hello aldi! her room furnishings are all picked out on www.landofnod.com, and we're staring at a rosetta stone for mandarin hoping for a gift of tongues (in mandarin) to be imparted to us so we can communicate with our sweet DAUGHTER from the beginning.

we can't publicly share her picture yet, maybe in a few more weeks-but until then, just know that she is the sweetest, most precious, created perfectly in His image 10 year old girl you can imagine!

after being held in captivity, my heart can beat again.

until then, here's a picture of a dinosaur asking noah why he didn't tell him about the ark (i think T means "ark" though, the "arc" is a totally different thing, unless he was really concerned with holiness).







Monday, February 3, 2014

my heart stopped

i dreamt of our journey to you again. but this time, they told us "no", with no accompanying reason or explanation.

when i heard those two letters, that one word, a sharp pain came upon my chest, and shot down my arm. i lost my breath and my chest tightened. all those "those thoughts of future memories" were jerked from my soul.  gasping for breath from my increasingly tightening chest, i mustered out another "why", and she shook her head in sadness, and said "they didn't say, i don't know". the tightness and sharp pain were unbearable now, and then, my heart stopped.

somewhere in my soul, leaving to it's final home, i felt they crowded around me, and began to compress my chest, breath into my mouth, do everything they had been taught, but nothing worked.

i fear the "adoption miscarriage", and that fear took over my dreams the other night. fear is not from the Lord; i trust in the peace His promises bring.

i trust in Him. i trust in His love for you. He promises that He will not leave you as an orphan; and He's intwined you so deeply into my heart it defies His promises that He would allow you to be ripped out.

every night i lay in bed, waiting to hear you coming down the stairs to seek our help or call to me for a glass of water. each morning, i walk by the stairs and look up, longing for the future days i will walk up them to gently and sweetly wake you up. every day driving to work, i look in my review mirror, wanting you to already be in my backseat, and each day i prepare dinner, i desperately want to have to fix an extra portion; but you're not here yet.

we have a home study visit tomorrow, and with it, great joy, as we are moving one step closer (though there are many steps, we gladly take each one, counting it joy).

we love you sweet girl.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you


here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart


i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)  --e.e. cummings






praying to have you home by this Christmas!