Wednesday, July 6, 2016

why it matters

the other week ryan had to leave town for a work trip, so it was just me and the kiddos for several days.

the first night ryan was gone i was awoken by the screams and cries of one of the Ls (leaving out the identify of which one, because of their privacy).  i ran down the hall and found my child standing in their doorway with their full body shaking, and their face red and saturated in tears. after several minutes of comforting and reassurance, they revealed what had struck this kind of fear in them:
they had awoken from a scary dream and saw a dark presence in their room, it then shot up to their ceiling where it perched and watched them. 
(fast forward, we did later pray over the room (again) and anoint the threshold with oil (again)).

a few nights later, i was awoken by their screams again, and ran down the hall to find them wrapped up in their comforter, body convulsing in fear and still asleep. i climbed into their bed and pulled them up to me and held them against me speaking over them: "this is a safe room, this is a safe house, you are safe, i am a safe mommy" i repeated this at least 15 times until they woke up. i continued to repeat that mantra as they shook off the nightmare and became coherent. they revealed they had dreamed stranger danger came into our house and daddy tried to stop them, but stranger danger shot and killed daddy.

a few nights later even still, i was awoken by the same terrified and desperate screams. i ran down the hall and lept into their room and again scooped them into my arms and repeated our mantra, "this is a safe room, this is a safe house, you are safe, i am a safe mommy". the nightmare this time, they were shot and killed by stranger danger.

and, a few nights ago: screams, frantic pleadings; ryan and i lept into their room again. the nightmare this time: i was shot and killed by a friend.

after anointing the room (again), and praying over it (again), we made a few "Jesus music" CDs for them to play continuously in the room and fall asleep to. they wants to hear songs that worship God as they sleeps, so that it will hopefully overpower the dark memories that creep from their subconscious, and conscious self, and infiltrate their dreams.
their favorite song is "beautiful things" by gungor

after our beloved chid settled from their nightmares, they apologized over and over: they apologized to US for THEM having a nightmare. :(
they apologized that we "had to wake up and come in there". the next morning they looked at us wearily and asked "are you tired?"
apologizing to the parent for having a nightmare should be the LAST thing a child does. the last thing a child should do the morning after horrendous nightmares is ask the parent if they are okay.

but this is what happens when a child is "made sure to know" their entire lives they are not valued or truly loved. this is what happens when bonding and attachment hasn't happened until they are adolescents. this is what happens when children are treated as if they have to "earn" breakfast, lunch, dinner, as if snacks are treats, as if they have to earn a hug, as if they have to earn a parent's love, and as if they have to earn a parent's caring nature.

our family saw it's one year anniversary recently, and each precious child continues to encounter the healing they deserve, each child continues to find their voice, each child continues to find their freedom, and each child continues to find that they are-a child.

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