pickles and ice cream vs. chopsticks and pleasant goat

this weird thing is pleasant goat:
(he/she is all the rage in china)

there are obscure times i'll catch a glimpse of this weird goat on t.v. in the background of a world gymnastics competition, or in documentaries about girls in china, and it's the closest i can come to feeling my baby kick in the womb. 

while you excitedly talk about your weird cravings and post pictures of your pregnancy concoctions, i crave an email telling us we are at the next step in the process, and pictures of the fedex envelope holding our latest government approval. 

while you reach down and rub the belly that holds safe your child within, reminding yourself your dear one is so near, i eat dinner at a local authentic asian restaurant and listen with a longing in my heart to the background conversations in mandarin, wondering what her voice would sound like. i clumsily hold the chopsticks in my hand, and envision my children laughing at me when we are spending our first week as a family together, in china, while i try to eat all our meals with these two sticks. 

we all come into motherhood different ways: some conceive right away, seemingly on their honeymoon! others struggle for years, and finally see the sweet little pink plus sign they've prayed for, while some find themselves at a last resort of ivf, still others find themselves adopting in addition to their biologicals, or adopting because they cannot have biologicals, and then some, like me, have always known their children will look nothing like them, and choose to adopt to begin their family growth. no matter how we become mommies, the journey is filled with this incredible softening of the heart, tears that flow like a faucet during commercials, movies where a child is kidnapped, and reading stories in the news of ebola orphans, aids orphans, social orphans and orphans of poverty.  each of our journey is filled with thousands of thoughts a day, where we imagine what it will be like when we hold our child for the first time, and we already dread the first time they will be sick, we fear the possibility of bullying for our child, and we all fear for them, at the environment of the world we will be raising them in. we want no harm to befall them, no judgement to be pointed to them, we desperately want to protect them from the mistakes we've made, and build them up in the areas we were torn down.

we all want better for our children. people who think the best of us say with smiling eyes and sincerity they believe our child will be just like us. i want to shout "NO! NO!" i want so much more for her, for my lucy-girl than what i am. i want more strength for my little luke than i have. i don't want them to be just like me i want them to rise above me. i want their lives to be filled with beauty and wonder, i want their spirit to soar, i want strength be so mighty within them it seeps out of their veins. i want their eyes to always see as His do, and not to be as easily tarnished by the tragedies of the world and circumstance. 

we are all mommies, and though we all become mommies in different ways, our desperate love for our children is the same. i just don't have the weird cravings. and you don't have to worry about prefecting your chop-stick usage. :) 

the story of luke

God brought us to lucy, and everything since then has been perfectly orchestrated by His hands.

our journey began with this picture:

the last news for lucy is that we received LOA from china (this means they accepted our dossier (the 1,000,000,000 sheets of official paperwork and such) and approved us to adopt lucy), and yesterday i sent the signed LOA and a few other required applications/documents to our government's immigration services for her. now, we are waiting on all those documents to go through the next process (this is only a few weeks) so her visa can be eventually be issued (once she enters the country, she will become a citizen) (i feel like there should be unicorn and leprechauns inside the airport where numerous children like lucy are entering and at that moment becoming u.s. citizens :)).

...in the meantime of all the final approvals being issued for lucy-girl, the director of our agency and a few other individuals associated with traveled to china. while there, they were in the anhui province (where lucy lives) and while in her province, they had a day "off" so they traveled to the city she lives in, and then visited the orphanage/foster home she lives in. and....
while visiting her it was brought to them how close and attached lucy is to one of her foster brothers. they've lived most of their life together, as brother and sister, and love each other dearly. and in the 8 years he has been waiting on a family, not one single family has inquired about him.
we simply cannot take her out of the life she has known and the orphanage/foster family she has loved and lived with; and leave him remaining as an orphan in the process. we have the extra room in our house, and more than the extra love and patience in our hearts, so, we are adopting him too!!!

here is he showing off a picture he drew of him and lucy-girl. :) (we may let him keep the mustache ;)) 

and, here they are together, soon to be forever brother and sister! 

what this means for lucy-girl besides her having her beloved foster brother become her forever brother: we won't be bringing her home at the end of february/beginning of march as projected. everyone involved (us, our social worker for our home study, and our adoption agency) agree bringing them home together best for both of them. so now, we have to submit for a provision to our original i800a approval (this is the american government) to be able to adopt 2 at the same time. lucy's part is pretty much done, except for a waiting game for her visa, and it to make it's way to china, but that will be held off on begin submitted to china while we catch up luke's process.

it's possible we will be bringing them both home this summer. :) 

He does! He sets the lonely in families (psalm 68:6)! 

i am in awe: teary-eyed awe at how He is making our family. what a wonderful treasure, what a blessing, what an indescribable joy for Him to choose us to be the forever mommy and daddy to these TWO precious children, who already love each other so much! 

thank you for taking part in our joy, and loving lucy-girl and luke! 

we'll be able to de-deadmau5 and de-cat his face in a few weeks. :) 

the greatest of news to be thankful for!

in the (slightly changed) words of freddie mercury:



"we are LOA, we are LOA, we are LOA my friends!
and we'll keep on stressing 'til the end
no time for thanksgiving
no time for christmas
because we are LOA during the holidays my friends!!!!!!!"

LOA, otherwise known as letter seeking confirmation (yeah, i know, the acronym doesn't match ups...LOA=letter of acceptance, but it's also referred to as letter seeking confirmation).

this means that china has reviewed the 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 documents we sent them with all the notarizations, certifications, authentications, consulate approvals, fingerprints of God things on them, and accepted them, and said that, "yes! ryan and carmen preciado, you can be her mommy! (and daddy...oops, i leave him out a lot).

now we fill out a few more complicated forms (but for our government) mainly that are for allowing her to immigrate here and become a u.s. citizen through adopt0ion.

the typical timeline from here is 9 weeks to TA (travel approval) and then 2 weeks to travel from the approval to do so.

our agency was in her province 2 weeks ago, and visited her orphanage. they took lots of new pictures of her and even a video of her saying "hi mommy! hi daddy!". but, they have 1,000s of pictures to go through, so, it'll be a bit before they can send them to us. once they do, you'll probably hear me sobbing happy tears wherever you are, and that'll be your cue to come back here and see them! :)

until then, here's pictures of her (almost) completed room. it's in desperate need of cutie-patootie items from landofnod.com, but, we're almost there!

a sweet lady we've never met made this blanket for lucy-girl. oh, the love others have shown her is beautiful! 

mommy and daddy on their wedding day. we knew event hen we'd adopt to begin our family

ever girl needs a cute headband and necklaces

a picture of mommy on her wedding day with all her friend-aunties. also, because we pray her room to be a place of healing, peace, and grace, worship music has been playing in her room non-stop for the last 3 months. it is a wonderful Spirit-filled room! 

if you would like to come along side of us, and help bring our daughter home the link at the top right of the page will take you to our tax-deducible fundraising account. we would be forever humbly grateful for any amount you would donate. thank you for caring about our daughter, and helping to make one less orphan. <3

stray cats and comfortable beds

the animal shelter near us is over-capacity with cats. i love cats (except ryan's....it's a jerk), and so when they started sending out pleas for adoptions, and free of charge at that, i kept presenting the need to ryan, and each time he said we couldn't handle another animal right now with everything going on. whatever. it's a cat.

i still wanted to "rescue" a cat from the shelter. i'm sure it would become best friends with stello, my cat, the awesome cat.

but the husband wasn't budging. i was sulking--how can he not want to save an sweet cat from an animal shelter?! what's wrong with him! and then this:

our neighbor knocked on our door one night, and since it was dark, this cat looked grey and white--like ryan's cat (the one that's a jerk). we were baffled at how it got out (i don't like it, but i would never let it out on purpose....). ryan knelt down and called it to him, and it came, like they were old friends. except it wouldn't let ryan carry it to our house. something seemed amiss. ryan ran inside and found his jerk cat upstairs...so who was this smokey look-alke? it was skinny, hungry, tiny, and it was freezing outside. we couldn't let this cat stay in the cold. (except it wouldn't come inside. so, we sat a food dish and water outside and a basket with a towel in it (cats love to snuggle in baskets!)). i didn't shout "nooooo!" it's not from the shelter! i won't help it!" 

the next day, when it was daylight, we saw it, and silly us, it looked nothing like smokey. it wasn't even grey. 

nevertheless, it still meowed at us and came to us, and ate it's fill on our front step. we've since sat a cat carrier outside with a towel in it--to help it feel more secure at night when it goes in to sleep. nobody in our neighborhood has claimed it, so, i've named her calico purress. 

bit of a rabbit trail to come************************************************************

all too often, we feel as if we HAVE to adopt to make a change for the orphaned

or we HAVE to intentionally live in a self-imposed poverty to make a difference 

or we HAVE to do 3 mission trips a year to an impoverished country

or if we go on a mission trip and don't lose weight on it because we ate (and didn't deprive ourselves of food the entire time to be like the ones we came to serve), we are ashamed and feel like we could have done more 

or if we come back parasite free, we had it too easy

let us stop measuring our care for the world by spiritually masochistic signs. 

now, we are called to NOT be lovers of this world:

james 4:4 says 

"you adulterous people! do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God! therefore, whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes an enemy of God" 

but there is a difference between living modestly and living lavishly, and only dressing in sackcloth and ashes. 

the notion that we must sleep on straw mats, eat one meal a week, and cloth ourself in sackcloth to be lovers of God and servants of people holds us back from the beautiful service we can be living out immediately around us! 

sweet mother teresa once wrote: 

"love begins at home, and it is not how much we do, but how much love we put into what we do"

she also tells the story of a young woman who came to live at her commune, and once this young woman received the Spirit, and came to be filled with His love, she came to mother teresa, full of excitement regarding her new life, and mother teresa instructed her to return home and love her family and neighbors. she happily did it--and with excitement! she didn't sulk and demand to stay in the slums of india, no, she went back home and loved those there! 

our neighbors, those in line behind us in the drive-thru, the drivers that cut us off on the road, the woman struggling to pay for her basic milk and bread, the stressed out single mother with the child throwing a fit in the middle of the aisle---they are as in need of our love, smile, grace, and gentleness as those living in poverty in lands far away. there is no shame in serving where you are. 

we are bringing our daughter home, but there is also great love needed here. love that only we can provide, the special love that is unique to what God has done in my heart and the hub's heart. 

let us spread our love whoever we are and not believe the lie that any love and service given locally is somehow less than love given far away. 

we are many parts of Christ's body, as spoken of in 1 corinthians 12:14-26:

15 Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. 16 And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. 17 If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? 18 But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. 19 If they were all one part, where would the body be? 20 As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

21 The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” 22 On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable,23 and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, 24 while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, 25 so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. 26 If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

the only thing focusing on how we are not staring our own 501c3 organization, or adopting 10 special needs orphans, or giving away $35,000 a year does is take off our focus of what we can do where we are. don't let the enemy shame you out of the service and love you can give. maybe the grandchild of a person you love toward Christ will do something you never could yourself, there are far infinite ways to His plans that we can see, let's trust where we are, and love where we are. 

also, on a side note: we "should" be LOA next week! wooooo-hoooooo (this is the big thing from china that we've been waiting on....."the wait!" all the next waits are merely 1-2 weeks each, and center around her visa! now would be an awesome time if you wanted to help be a part of bringing our sweet girl home! you can give through our tax-deductible reece's rainbow account (link on right side of page) or here where our story video is: a place called home site with video

footie pajamas, gideon, and perry the panda

why am i wearing footie pajamas, covered up with my soft christmas blanket, and sipping hot cider--instead of being out with our bible study peeps eating yummy, delicious, perfect, tennessee-mexican food?
because we received our official rejection letter from show hope. and i just wanted to sulk with my cat (take note that he is part unicorn--that magical little tuft of hair coming to a perfect point proves his wondrousness)

in the mailbox today was another issue of my (free!) subscription to "everyday with rachel ray" (i really just love her!), a bill (yuck!), and advertisement for a christmas sale (no christmas for you this year!), and a thin envelope with the show hope return label on it. i shrugged and tossed it on the counter, calling the dh (dear hubs) to let him know we received our rejection letter. he came home and opened it so i wouldn't have to. 

it's okay. it really is. us not receiving a grant means another family did, and i'm so happy for those families that received letters listing the amount of grant they've been blessed with. 

but, still i sit here, much like gideon when he hid in the winepress threshing wheat (judges 6). except i'm wearing footie pajamas, and i'm pretty sure he was wearing something akin to a ephod (male dress). also, i have a unicorn cat, and that makes many things more bearable. 

people often mistake the amount of courage i have, when really, i'm quite cowardice. 

one of my most beloved friends was telling me about a recent experience while she was grocery shopping: 

she overheard some individuals bemoaning the fact that amendment 1 passed ("yes on 1" in tennessee..google it), and felt an urging to stand up for her faith that values the sanctity of life (and the honor of her two precious daughters whom she adopted-and is grateful their birthmother chose life for).  they didn't receive her input well and argued back, and then another guy came up and was frankly, quite ugly in his differing opinion of hers. she didn't cower, or back down, she didn't drop her head and shuffle away, she was strong. 

i told her i admired her strength, that i would never be able to do something like that, and she seemed surprised, thinking i was bolder than i actually am. 

she seemed surprised that i would be to timid, cowardice, etc to approach someone and defend my faith/belief. 

proverbs 28:1 states "the wicked flee when no one pursues, but the righteous have faith bold as lions"

we often quote the last part "the righteous have faith bold as lions" but we hardly ever give any nod to the beginning: "the wicked flee when no one pursues".

in times such as this: rejection, we can choose to hide in a winepresses, (even though we are not being attacked), or we can stand strong as lions because our faith sees past present circumstance.

God not saying "yes" is not the same thing as us being attacked. God saying "yes" to someone else is NOT Him saying "no" to us. far too often, we tend to hyper-spiritualize everything, and in doing so, we make ourselves victims, when in reality, He will provide in a different way. we can't be a victim when we can trace even one point in the process Him having His hand upon us.

and, like Gideon rising up and emerging from the winepress, i poke my little head out (tomorrow morning...it's too cold right now!) and look for His hand in all the other places it is.

oh! also: perry the panda is helping us in all things until lucy-girl is home: #lucygirlspandaproxy
(follow us on instagram to see perry helping us next for lucy-girl   http://instagram.com/carmenmichelle

enjoying sick people tea with perry

perry is trying to decide which reading teepee lucy would like the best

perry is making sure we don't goof around--setting up lucy-girl's bedroom is serious business 

perry approves of the lovely drawer pulls mommy picked out for lucy-girl's room

perry is napping on the pretty new lavender sheets in lucy-grils room

a place for you

dear one:

i celebrated my birthday with your daddy yesterday, and we did the things we would do if you were with us:

we went to the discovery science museum

we went to the zoo

and we spent extra time outside playing with gnarls barkley

except, you weren't with us, and it just seemed somber.

my sweet girl, what have your birthdays been like?

were you served breakfast in bed? 

were there balloons? a cake? did you get to choose what was served for dinner?

did anyone take your face into their hands, look you in the eyes, tell you they were so blessed God created you?

did they speak truth over you, whispering your identity into your ears as you laid your head down:

you are created perfectly in His image (gensis 1:27)

He holds all your tears in a bottle and lists your sorrows (psalm 56:8) 

nothing can remove your name from His book of life (revelation 3:5)

even in the depths, He is there with you (psalm 139:8)

you are the apple of His eye (zechariah 2:8) 

and this: 

13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be. --psalm 139:13-16

you now know we are coming for you, you know what we look like, and you’ve read our words to you, how we love you, and are preparing a place for you. 

i pray you don’t lose hope, i pray you know it’s not us taking so long to come-we would swim the ocean right now to get to you; i pray you understand i love your foster family deeply and am forever indebted to them for caring for you these years.

we'll set a place for you at thanksgiving, at christmas, and we'll gather with those that love you on your birthday, and i pray as your next birthday approaches on january 18th, that it will be a joyful one, because you know we are not far away. 

i will be a wall

to my sweet daughter:

you don't know this, but i'm bringing you into a war zone.

there is a war being waged (on women) here:
it tells young girls like you, that your body is not your own, and it is not to be treasured and protected.

it tells us that our value relates to our waist size, doe eyes, soft skin, lush hair, and absence of wrinkles.

the war whispers into your ear that you free yourself by sharing with anyone what was meant only for you and your husband.















the war shouts out our happiness increases with our bank account.

the war proudly sings out, with clanging symbols, the beating of drums, and strumming of guitars: "eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you die"

but i will be a wall. i will protect you, i will guard you, and i will guide you. i will guide you to Him: the One who created you, and brought us to you. i will guide you to the One who holds your identity. i will sing of His praises over your sleeping head. i will embrace you in my hands because of the nails embraced by His.

sweet daughter, it is a war zone; except the weapons are not of flesh an physical things, but they are of a spiritual nature, and they have divine power to destroy strongholds:

"for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but have divine power to destroy strongholds."--2 corinthians 10:4

i continue to pray in your room. the stains of oil remain on the door post where i anointed it. hours of worship songs play on repeat, welcoming His healing presence into your room.
i walk into your room, and i feel at peace. i feel Him in there, and i feel you in there.

dear sweet daughter, we are building a wall so that all you see is Him and all you feel is a security nothing can rip away.

we will proudly bare our chest as he takes aims, and absorb any arrows the enemy may throw at you, (because) your precious worth is immeasurable.

what i want you to know

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”--washington irving

i want you to know that when we first knew we were going to become your forever mommy and daddy, i woke up nightly with horrific stomach pains and in mournful tears at the thought that we were going to be pulling you away from the only life you've known for 11 years. i would weap because at some point in the near future i would be holding you as you missed and wept for the foster family you had for the past 7 years.

i want you to know we did not hastily rush into this, thinking we were "saving" you. we spoke with families that had adopted older children from your home's foster system, we spoke with experts, and even "anti-adoption" people.

***prospective adoptive parents: you are not the brave ones, you are not the ones

worthy of the admiration, the children leaving everything they know are. 

we want you to know that we learned everything we could about the possibilities for you if you remained there. we want you to know we learned what life would look like for you past the age of 14 (the age you are no longer able to be adopted) and after you turned 18, and after learning these things and that life, we made the decision to trust in God's direction that the painful journey would end up being a blessing.

i want you to know that even now, i want to collapse and weap at the new adjustments you will have to make. i want you to know that you are so brave and the strongest person i know. i want you to know you were long ago asked to carry a burden no innocent child should ever have to carry. i want you to know that we will carry that with you, but mostly, you have an adoring Heavenly Father who wants to carry all the burdens, pains, and tears for you.

"For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."--matthew 11:30

and each tear you've cried, since the great injustice had been done to you from infancy, He holds each of those tears in a bottle and knows each sorrow: (psalm 56:8)

i want you to know that we insisted, many times, you must be asked if you wanted to be adopted, we insisted the process was explained to you, we insisted you know in us becoming your forever mommy and daddy, that meant you would leave your foster family--leave the sights, smells, sounds, and people you knew to come to a land where you did not understand the language, the people looked different, the food tasted different, and life was as different as you could imagine.

i want you to know that as your tears fall, and your heart adjusts, and there is so much for you to take in, i will be there wrapping my arms around you and crying with you. i want you to know that i love your foster mother, and i will always have an undying gratitude to her, i will always be indebted for her, and i will always embrace her in my heart as my sister-mommy because she loved you before i knew you.

light of our life

about a month ago, we were able to send a care package to our lucy-girl, which included a cake, a photo album of us, a translated letter, and a stuffed animal. on monday, we received these pictures of our sweet daughter:

i was immediately and powerfully heart-struck at how her light, her spirit, shines through. we are so thankful for God's mercy that gave her such a beautiful and strong spirit. (also, her favorite color is pink, can't you tell :)).

whatever trials, turmoil, and attack this world and the enemy throws at His children, He is stronger.

there's no new updates to speak of, as far as the waiting for the next step goes, we're still waiting on the magical LOA, and then the even more magical TA. please join us in prayer, continually, that we will have LOA by November. and of course, join us in prayer for our daughter. i would be lying to you, and us, if i said it was going to be some magical rescue rainbows, unicorns, and puppy dogs experience when she leaves the only life she's known for 10 years.

if you'd like to help us meet the remaining $5,000 we need, you can donate a tax-deductible donation to reece's rainbow (link on top right side of page), or you can donate through our a place called home site (here), and watch a video of our story (donations on a place called home come with happies!).  in the end, we will be putting $19,000 of our money, savings, everything toward this, we just need a little extra "help", because, we....get by with a little help from our friends!

or you can buy a guacamole t-shirt, we need to sell 20 minimum and we'll raise a couple hundred dollars. guacamole for lucy! :)  (while we are devoted Christians, we recognize not all who would support us bringing lucy home are...but are pretty sure everyone on the planet is a fan of guacamole. and really, how many times do you have to nod when asked "it's extra, is that okay?")
buy the super soft t-shrit here:
"i know guacamole is extra" t-shirt fundraiser

matthew 5:15-16

"Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."

cheng, chang, chong and "innocent" racism

yesterday was the holy grail of nerd meet ups: comic con.

the hubs and i enjoyed our time together as it was one of the few saturdays the hubs has off (the position of retail management doesn't care about weekends!). we met and fellowshipped with other socially awkward people and ate at a neighbor's new restaurant and later delighted in the glory known as "jeni's ice cream".  i was enjoying my "sweet cream biscuits and peaches" ice cream when i saw the this chalkboard kids draw on:

i remember being young and not (actively) thinking about racism and stereotyping and poking fun at other cultures. kids do it all the time, and parents, who either think it's funny, or are just as ignorant as the close-minds it breeds, laugh along with it instead of teaching and empowering in that moment. take the picture above "cheng, chang, chong"...

"cheng"= orange (color, not the fruit)

"chang" = long

"chong" = insect

(it's completely possible though, that they were trying to pass along a warning regarding a long orange insect lurking about this ice cream shop. but not likely). 

there's actually an entire wikipedia article on "chIng, chang, chong" regarding the racism and "western bullying" it implies. see, read it here. 

and then there's the childhood schoolyard rhyme:

"are you chinese (uses fingers to pull side of eyes and make slant up); are you japenese (uses fingers to pull sides of eyes and make slant down); or are your dirty knees (referring to the rest of the continent of asia)". 

the school yard was full of these rhymes and other equally as racist ones. 

(childhood innocent racism wasn't and isn't solely focused on individuals living in china or japan: 

"indian giver!" (really, do they even know the horrific things that were done to NATIVE americans at the hands of english settlers?)l 

"are you a smart american or a dumb pollock?" (followed by a riddle or silly question).

i think about the "innocent" (and blatant of course) racism our lucy-girl will encounter. the "ching, chong, ding-dong" chants she will overhear, the scenes of children pulling their eyes to make them slant she will glance at, and it breaks my heart. it breaks my heart to think of the damage to her beautiful, God-designed identity it will cause. i pains me deeply to think about her ever feeling less than perfectly beautiful and designed by the hands of God.  

i feel my heart heavy even for the young children missing an opportunity to learn, grow, appreciate, and love other cultures. simply put: racism allows minds to remain simple, and hearts cold. 

what more as parents, can be desired for their child than for them to genuinely love others, to want to understand differences, and appreciate those differences. 

we are here to be blinders for what she need not see and ear muffs for what would pain her to hear. 

and when we aren't physically with her, we trust God's faithfulness to be that. and when racist images and sounds creep in and damage her precious heart, we trust in God's redemption, and healing prayers to build her up and strengthen her identity when all the world wants to crush it.  

we believe prayer moves mountains and lets rivers flow in barren places, so,this is our new prayer manifest; declared on the chalkboard outside our bedroom so that we may see it and affirm it in prayer many times a day. please pray it with us: 

LOA by november

home by februrary

china just got a huge stack of papers!

this. 

we conquered. 

we're still married (and in love).

i'm not completely gray (yet).

our dossier is in china!

***dossier is a fancy word for those eleventy-quadrillion sheets of papers, notarizations, certifications, and authentications you have to have.

now, they will meticulously look at all these (well, after they're translated) and it's a bunch more acronyms from here: 

OOT (out of translation)

LID (log in date)

LOA (letter of acceptance)

TA (travel approval)

it takes much longer than those acronyms would have you believe. 

we are just ready for our sweet lucy-girl to be home, with her forever family, the one she was born in the hearts of.  

i am always astounded at the resilient spirit of these children, their forgiving hearts, the trust and bravery they have to travel to the other side of the world with "parents" they have never met. everything about them is so much braver, stronger, and more loving than any of us! we are the blessed ones and we are the honored ones. 

we mustn't have any expectation, we mustn't believe that we are coming back to america sliding down rainbow, on a unicorn, and into a pile of pillows and soft puppies. (well, there's a puppy, but, he's not soft anymore). 

it's okay for it to be a 90/10, 95/5, or 98/2 give. she's the one with the trauma to overcome, the frustration of the language to learn, sites to familiarize with, etc. 

He is faithful, not only to us, but first and foremost, to her, our sweet daughter. our lucy-girl.

up next: 

fees due at LOA/TA time: approximately $8,000

fees we have to carry on us during travel: a lot, as in 5 digits/walking targets a lot.

we have $3,900 in our reece's rainbow account (that's a lot of love for our lucy-girl), and are counting on about $5,000 between the hubs' next bonus and a few paychecks (total of $8,800). but, God is not a God of half-provision: He can lower bills, motivate raises, bless with success on ebay and etsty, etc. there was also a story in the bible of someone being told to catch a fish and pull a coin from it's mouth. that sounds like a really cool way of His provision, i'm going fishing! :) 

i'm selling some vintage-y jewelry on my etsy shop: 

whimsical and vintage!

i'm also making doggie tutus and necklaces on this one:

barks brothers and doggie stuff

oh, and my ebay name is: carpre2, i have neat and pretty clothes i sell on it!

or, i can just bake you cookies, if you prefer that.  :) 

the marathon roller coaster

we've been waiting for our agency to receive one piece of paper back from the chinese consulate.

one piece.

then they can ship the 1,000,000,000 pieces of paper (otherwise known as the dossier) to china (this is called DTC: dossier to china), so we can eventually have our log in date (LID) and then our letter of acceptance (LOA) and then our prized travel approval (TA). and then of course, "gotcha day.

until then, honestly, there are days you feel like this:

everything at this point is pretty much out of our control. we're at the mercy of the work ethic, schedule, mood, motivation, official processes of whomever our packet of paper lands on the desk of.

it wears on your heart: the time, the money, the wait, the helplessness of knowing that you would walk on water to cross the ocean to get to them if you could, but you must wait, and this child, this daughter of ours, who has waited 10 years for a family, must continue to wait.

it's a hard wait. a heart wrenching one. if you know someone whom is adopting, and you ask them how the process is going (which is a very common question, and welcome (depending on the mood)), and they reply back they've been waiting "x" number of days for this, and they just want it to be over or to the next step; please, please, please do not respond "it's all in God's perfect timing".

to speak of God's perfect anything would first begin with His perfect will, and His perfect will is NEVER for a child to be orphaned. His perfect will is NEVER for the cultural climate of a country, a race, a people group, a religion to push a mother to abandon her child, abuse her child and them be taken away, etc. His perfect will is NEVER for a woman to be raped and become pregnant from that, or for a child to be born with such special needs the mother knows she can not care for them and thus abandons them or surrenders them to there country/region's child welfare system. all of this is the result of a fallen world where sin and brokenness reign.

His perfect will is for sin of man or scheme of man to be unable to break apart biological families.

we are given biblical mandates to care for the orphan, the oppressed, the widow, the needy, the sick and suffering because we are waiting on Him to restore us to the garden, we are waiting on Him to defeat the enemy once and for all.

the roller coaster of emotions you experience in this process is unmatched: you are always waiting for a exhilarating rush-fall, waiting nervously on the climb, or irritated by the basic chug-along (no one rides roller coaster for those short moments of steady chugging). right now, we are chugging...not even climbing up knowing that exhilarating rush-fall is ahead.

right now i'd settle for a wagon ride down hill. we're coming sweet girl. if i have to walk on water to get to you.

also, we have a new fundraiser page set up; it's humbling to do that. 

i now understand all those mothers who resort to less than desirable profession to provide for their child.  it's so easy to judge them "if they really loved their child(ren), how could they do that?!" "is that the influence they want to be on them?!" "it's their fault they are in that situation, gross."....etc 

trust me, there is no more desperate place that those women are in, who resort to dancing for men to feed their children, out of their love for their child.  (simmer down, i'm not doing that). those women don't want to do that to feed their children, buy them school supplies, pay their bills, etc. and we don't want to have to ask for help to bring our daughter home. but that's where we are at. i love her more than i love my pride. i love her more than any fame and honor in being able to say we did it ourself, because we can't do it ourself. 

i love her more than my fear of rejection, scolding, and helplessness, so i am sharing this here. 

listen to our story presented in this beautiful video, pray with us, pray for us. we have attached incentives/gifts with each donation as well.  

from our humbled hearts, thank you for loving our daughter with us, for the encouragement, for the support, and prayers. 

adoption story and video-a place called home (click link)

thank you for helping bring love and freedom to our lucy-girl

alabaster jar

it's a jar i've always kept with me
i've held it close
i've guarded it
i've placed my worthiest treasures in it
i've pretend it's value immeasurable

the more i cling to it, the less i can cling to His feet though



in these days, my spirit has been crushed, i've wept, crippled on my knees for the sweet lives lost-taken...no, stolen, in violent manners.  they were children. and now they are children worshipping in His presence.

my "alabaster jar" seems just ridiculous now. what filled mine was not a sweet fragrance or prized oils. doubt and fear is neither sweet smelling nor valuable.

i can't focus on "me" right now. i mustn't deter slobbering, exhausting, knee prints in the carpet prayers for those whom at the moment are passing from our presence to His.

relinquishing the control: fear of provision for our adoption, fundraising, the focus on "me". it's all so silly in comparison to the pain no words can even touch in description families and children are facing right now in a distant land.

i'm going deep in to my prayer closet. the fundraiser auction that ends this saturday will be the last, for a while. He loves these innocent children and their families who exiled themselves just to survive to mountaintops just to await uncertain starvation, and He loves our daughter who is waiting on us to bring her home. He is preparing a home for the children whose lives are lost, and He is preparing our home for our daughter. i can strive and strive to bring her home, but ultimately, it's going to be Him doing it. it takes too much of my focus, which turns into insecurity, which turns into doubt.  when in reality, His love for me, you, my lucy-girl, your child, and these children waiting (un)certain death on mountain tops is great enough to continue on without my fervent attempts.

it's too much to hear.

i will emerge with bruised knees, tear-stained cheeks, and a throat sore from impassioned plea filled screams, and my lucy-girl will still be coming home; but at least i would have devoted the same passion to persecuted children and families exiled for survival.

why

"we live in a perpetual and hopeless struggle to satisfy our longing on trifles.  so our soul shrivels. our lives become trivial. and our capacity for magnificent causes and great worship dies".  --john piper: ruth, a sweet an bitter providence

what do you live for?

most my life, i had convinced myself i lived for God. that wasn't the complete truth. i had been living for acceptance, approval, validation and assurance.

so much i wanted to be:
i wanted to look like my sister: beautiful and captivating
i wanted to speak clearly: instead i had a speech impediment and was in speech therapy from 3 yrs old to high school
i wanted to just be "happy": instead i was bitter at myself for everything i wasn't

my whole existence consisted of my thoughts focusing on what perception others had of me. what value i had to THEM.

i not willing to be satisfied and assured through His love for me, His design in me, and His calling on me.

but then that changed. with this sermon. technically, i was 2 when he first gave it, but i heard it when i was 27/28.

specifically, i was hiking when he said this:

"Christian Hedonism teaches that the desire to be happy is God-given and should not be denied or resisted but directed to God for satisfaction. Christian Hedonism does not say that whatever you enjoy is good. It says that God has shown youwhat is good and doing it ought to bring you joy (Micah 6:8). And since doing the will of God ought to bring you joy, the pursuit of joy is an essential part of all moral effort. If you abandon the pursuit of joy (and thus refuse to be a Hedonist, as I use the term), you cannot fulfill the will of God."

i stopped in my tracks and i wept.
ugly cried. lips quivering. and i apologized to God.
i apologized for telling Him, all these years, He was not enough, there were more "valued" opinions.
i told Him that i wanted to delight in Him, and Him alone. everything else in life was like that useless parsley used as garnishes on plates ordered at restaurants: you don't eat it, it doesn't season your meal, it's there for a split second and then you brush it mindlessly out of the way to nosh on the steak and potatoes.

you can ask (adoptive) families, and most every one will have a story to tell of a family member questioning their decision to adopt. oh my, add on to that, making a conscious decision to adopt a child "with special needs" and people look at you as if you've lost your mind. i've mentioned some of the heinous comments in previous posts, so i won't relive them here, but they're ugly.

here's the thing: WE DON'T WANT "THAT" LIFE.  we don't want a life lived so comfortably we never have to press into God. we want our life to scream His story. we want our life to be one that shows the greatest joy is found in Him. we want lucy to be loved. we want lucy to know her value is infinite, that her name was written on His hands, and pressed through His heart.

this process has stretched and grown our souls, it's pressed us firmly against the cross.

there are times where i cling to it, as one lost at sea would a life raft that has floated toward them. there are times where i'm sure i've gone under and His cross has drifted in the vast ocean toward me, just in time for me to grab, and Him to breath new life into me. then i have been made stronger by His breath, and those two pieces of wood.

i will swim the ocean toward our daughter, because i know she is mine. i know she is His. i know that in the long and treacherous swim, that each time i go under, His cross will keep me afloat, and breath make me stronger should i lose mine.

having made the tragic mistake of looking for my acceptance and affirmation elsewhere, but in His grace having been shown where true joy comes from, i am here, on the other side, to hopefully shield our sweet girl from that.

we adopt because we love our daughter, lucy.
we adopt because our lives are worship, not just sunday mornings, but each moment.
we adopt because we can and our daughter deserves a mommy, a daddy, breakfast in bed on her birthdays, surprise mommy/daughter dates, and so much more.

we adopt because our lives are centered in Him, and we don't want anyone else's idea of "normal"
there is nothing normal about a life sunk in Him.

<3