the story: and sweetie makes 3

the hubs and i had both said "we're done" adopting. we clawed our way to this point:
fighting battles with the kiddos--battles they were and are way too young to be expected to fight themselves. we shed many tears of desperation and we shed tears of joy, we pounded our fist in anger at what their souls endured before coming home and we pounded our fist in triumph as they emerged through valleys and forrest to find healing.

we threw around the idea of a biological, and i was already eyeing cute tula carrier, cloth diapers, reading up on vaccine schedules, not circumcising, and nursing. the Ls asked us quiet often if we were going to have a "belly baby".  we told our parents that we were starting to try for a biological, and a few friends. i even bought one of those handy-dandy ovulation test kits.
(side note: fertility has never been an issue for us, we just both knew we wanted to adopt to build our family; we talked about adopting on our first date even!)

we are planners, and were planning our lives: us, the 2 Ls, and any biological that may come along. it involved the hubs retiring at a certain age and us exploring after that; exploring is one of our favorite things to do together (besides eat, yummm).

then, i (mama) saw a picture--a picture of a girl who i knew God wanted to make my daughter. a girl i knew was going to be lucy's sister; i knew they would be painting their nails together, making bracelets together, and sharing their love of art together. a sweet girl i knew would be the perfect spunky-yet-laid-back sister for luke.

it seemed so very loud and obvious to me. but not to the hubs.

he was dead-set against it. "NO."
and he wasn't budging.

i grieved, hard.
i mourned for days.
someone was not hearing form God accurately, but we were both convinced our instincts were right on.

i was texting a fellow mom friend who also built her family bigger through adoption about her experience. for her family's most recent adoption, her husband was also initially not on board, and while she was offering encouragement, my husband began asking me about sweetie's diagnoses: "what does XXX mean?" "what is YYY?".
was he really considering this now?!!!

i had already requested her file "just in case", and was moved to tears when i saw we shared the same birthday.

since i am a stay at home mom now, and our income is less than it was when we brought the Ls home last year, we really had to make sure this was "doable" for us.
the hubs had said "its all going to have to line up perfectly for it to work out". and, wow, did it!

she is in the city/province in her country that means we will have no in-country travel, she had an older child grant available through the most amazing reece's rainbow...she even had an agency grant as well! God had already began laying the ground work!

y'all, God lined up so much of this, so perfectly, for us to play a role in this redemption.
the Ls are so very excited, they pray for her every night and ask when we are bringing her home (several times a day :)).

we're all learning sign language to prepare for her coming home, and one of the biggest heart blessings is seeing the Ls so excited to do this for her, to learn sign language so they can communicate with her. talk about a weeping-with-joy-mama-heart!

we'll be able to share her precious picture soon, and set up a fundraiser account soon, as we need to raise 10K to be able to have all needs and fees met, but God provided so beautifully last time, we are actually excited to have the Ls home and see Him provide to bring their sister home.

we've been crafting and finding items to ebay, and oh, the joy on their precious faces when i tell them we made money toward bringing their sister home!

we can't wait to share this journey with you all, and the sweet pictures we have of her!

in the meantime, i've set up a t-shirt fundraiser--nothing to do with adoption or love (unless you count the love of tacos!)  here (because it seems like an appropriate shirt for this time of year too :))
tacos for president t-shirt fundraser! 

and here's a few pictures of the kiddos and me showing how photogenic we are :)

and this one, because she's always the cutest! <3

yay!

why it matters

the other week ryan had to leave town for a work trip, so it was just me and the kiddos for several days.

the first night ryan was gone i was awoken by the screams and cries of one of the Ls (leaving out the identify of which one, because of their privacy).  i ran down the hall and found my child standing in their doorway with their full body shaking, and their face red and saturated in tears. after several minutes of comforting and reassurance, they revealed what had struck this kind of fear in them:
they had awoken from a scary dream and saw a dark presence in their room, it then shot up to their ceiling where it perched and watched them. 
(fast forward, we did later pray over the room (again) and anoint the threshold with oil (again)).

a few nights later, i was awoken by their screams again, and ran down the hall to find them wrapped up in their comforter, body convulsing in fear and still asleep. i climbed into their bed and pulled them up to me and held them against me speaking over them: "this is a safe room, this is a safe house, you are safe, i am a safe mommy" i repeated this at least 15 times until they woke up. i continued to repeat that mantra as they shook off the nightmare and became coherent. they revealed they had dreamed stranger danger came into our house and daddy tried to stop them, but stranger danger shot and killed daddy.

a few nights later even still, i was awoken by the same terrified and desperate screams. i ran down the hall and lept into their room and again scooped them into my arms and repeated our mantra, "this is a safe room, this is a safe house, you are safe, i am a safe mommy". the nightmare this time, they were shot and killed by stranger danger.

and, a few nights ago: screams, frantic pleadings; ryan and i lept into their room again. the nightmare this time: i was shot and killed by a friend.

after anointing the room (again), and praying over it (again), we made a few "Jesus music" CDs for them to play continuously in the room and fall asleep to. they wants to hear songs that worship God as they sleeps, so that it will hopefully overpower the dark memories that creep from their subconscious, and conscious self, and infiltrate their dreams.
their favorite song is "beautiful things" by gungor

after our beloved chid settled from their nightmares, they apologized over and over: they apologized to US for THEM having a nightmare. :(
they apologized that we "had to wake up and come in there". the next morning they looked at us wearily and asked "are you tired?"
apologizing to the parent for having a nightmare should be the LAST thing a child does. the last thing a child should do the morning after horrendous nightmares is ask the parent if they are okay.

but this is what happens when a child is "made sure to know" their entire lives they are not valued or truly loved. this is what happens when bonding and attachment hasn't happened until they are adolescents. this is what happens when children are treated as if they have to "earn" breakfast, lunch, dinner, as if snacks are treats, as if they have to earn a hug, as if they have to earn a parent's love, and as if they have to earn a parent's caring nature.

our family saw it's one year anniversary recently, and each precious child continues to encounter the healing they deserve, each child continues to find their voice, each child continues to find their freedom, and each child continues to find that they are-a child.