Friday, April 18, 2014

the joy of the struggle (and how dog farts help me to not take ugly comments seriously)

once upon a time i lived in uganda. i did things like teach sunday school lessons, fed 150 village kids every saturday and sunday, wrote newsletters to supporters of this village ministry, and one time i had "the" talk (aka for those who don't know of what 'the' in :quotes: translates to = sex) with about 50 young girls....it was pretty awkward. since most my life had been spent hanging out with and teaching 3 year olds, i had to remind myself that "wee-wee" and "little girl area" were not the terms i needed to use with 9-15 year old girls (although i once had a 4 year old who somehow learned to call her little girl area her "kitty"--seriously "mom", you couldn't think of another 4 year old appropriate euphemism than "kitty" for her little girl area?)
moving on to...dog farts (seriously, it's coming, just keep reading, and it's all related to adoption, i promise).

anyhow, upon my return, i was visiting family, and i found myself in conversation with a jerk. a prideful jerk--though, that's kind of a redundant description because i have never met a humble jerk (the adoption part really is coming). we were talking about why i've done what i've done over my life: teach older students with severe emotional/behavioral disorders, travel to afghanistan about a year after 9/11 to teach in newly gender-intergrated classrooms, humanitarian work in ethiopia and burma, and recently a short trip to rwanda and a 5 month stay in uganda. i was talking about how "from whom much is given, much is expected" and i felt that my soul could have easily been born in a body in an impoverished country or under the rule of a faction that gives no value to women, but since my soul was blessed to have been born in a body ("you don't have soul, you are a soul, you have a body"--c.s. lewis) in america, my body should take itself to other lands to help those souls in those bodies. at the end of our conversation, he asked me (not out of curiosity, but out of indignant hateful judgement): "in all you've done, haven't you found that there are some people that are not worth saving". :jaw hits the floor and fist clinch: (i kind of wanted to retort back, "yeah, you" but Jesus hovered over me and put His hand over my mouth, He's cool like that).

here's the thing: some people don't understand love. there are three types of love:
storge: what you have for your family
eros: love you have for, well, your lover
philia: brotherly love, as in what christians have toward each other
agape: the highest form of love, the love Christ showed toward us, and commands us to show toward all (agape is sacrificial, open, non-judging, non-offensive...you know, just look at the fruits of the spirit, agape produces those).

i've been asked by people:
* "why are you adopting?" (judgmentally, not really wanting to know our story)
* "why's you not adopting from 'murica? kidz heres need a's family too!" (crushes can on head) (kidding, but i like to tell stories in hyperbole) (and yes, absolutely! children in the foster system need families too! and we will do that, later :))
* "why are you adopting a child with special needs, why do you want to punish yourself for the rest of your life? you'll never be able to go to the beach and have fun again, you'll never...." (yes, that is the most important part of life, having fun at the beach...)
* ...so on

there's also trolls:










except the ones i'm talking about probably don't look like that....though i'd like to imagine they have really crazy hair and big eyes, because it makes what they write more humorous (when you can decipher it, often it's filled with really poor grammar...)
"trolls" like to send what they deem as nasty messages to you through your blog or leave comments (i moderate comments so i don't publish them....i refuse to publish comments with poor grammar).  they seem to have an issue with families fundraising (i think that's what they are trying to say...).  i did once, as a child, bury $30,000 in a tin can with my brother's micro machine car and my friend's favorite hello kitty neckalce-but i seem to have forgotten where i buried the $30,000, otherwise we'd totally dig it up right now and use it to fund our adoption.

see, here's the thing about all these fundraisers you all see--the joy is in the giving, the joy is in the story, the joy is in the faith that He will provide through His body, because we have AGAPE love for each other. oh, ye of little faith that need it to be easy! i LOVE learning to trust in HIM. i love seeing Him provide through my brothers and sisters in Christ, it's our way of telling each other, "hey! we're all family! bloodlines mean nothing! WE ARE ALL IN HIS BLOODLINE!" if all these families already had $30,000 + for their adoptions, then when other areas of life got rough, they'd be starting out so weak, and have to learn to trust from that point--but if in this process, we see Him provide through the silliest of ways, and the most humble of our brothers and sisters in Christ, then how much more do we learn to trust in HIS WAYS! how much more can we feel that He is there with us, with our other adoptive community. i don't understand what all the "use your money" stuff is about anyway...it's not "our money" and your money isn't even "your money"...it's His money, He has entrusted us to steward it! the hubs and i continue to support our kids through gospel for asia, we continue to support a mission family in uganda, we continue to support other adoptive families...because we know it's not our money. we receive so much joy from giving to others, and others who give, receive joy as well.

so, (here comes the dog fart part from earlier) when jerks say ugly things about missions and humanitarian work, and trolls with colorful pink hair that sticks straight up and with big eyes say unkind things (i think it was supposed to be unkind...) i don't sweat it, and you please don't sweat it either, you have the joy! they are missing the joy. besides, i have more important things to worry about, like why my dog's farts stink so bad. seriously, this guy can clear a room, wake you up from a dead sleep...he's actually had such bad smelling gas before that he's looked around to see "who did it" and then left the room. this is my pressing concern right now...dog farts. :)



Thursday, April 17, 2014

paper pregnancy...also i can't wait for slamming doors

honesty about paper pregnancy hormones and the issues: 

"paper pregnancy" refers to the period of time from when you have PA (pre-approval) to when you actually are with your child...some people think adoption is awesome because you don't have to deal with all those pregnancy "issues"...wrong. except for the excessive gas, i don't have excessive gas (my husband is happy about this). but, you do become weepy. you do become stressed. you do want to eat crazy amounts of ben & jerry's salted caramel core ice-cream and taco bell (maybe these last two are just me, and the stress).  you do get all weepy watching commercials (freakin' commercials!) on t.v., you get all weepy reading news stories and seeing videos of students with down syndrome (or other disabilities) accepted into college or realize other dreams and goals. you do cry in the shower missing them (and then try to convince your husband that "nooooo...of course you're not crying" but they know you well and know that you actually are doing one of those silent tear drop cries).

several of my friends are pregnant. sweet girls, they're going to be wonderful mommies. i am so filled with joy in our adoption, we are choosing to adopt first to build our family, but, honestly, there is a twinge of sadness combined with jealousy seeing them in their pregnancy. they can touch their belly anytime they want and feel their child, all i have is two pictures.  i wear them around my neck in a locket, and her sweet face is close to my heart, but that's all i can do, i can't not reach out and hug her. they can nourish their body, protect their child, for 9 months. for the next 9 months i can only pray my daughter is healthy, protected, and nourished. if you are pregnant, treasure it, treasure knowing that your child is already with you and that you can protect them. 

in this waiting period we are in, with many other adoptive families, my heart races to all the "what-ifs"....what if something happens and china halts all the adoptions (like what occurred in russia), what if we aren't trying hard enough to find a way to move to china and raise her in her birth culture. what if....

i think of her birth mother every day. i wonder if her birth mother had been blessed to have been born in the freedom of america, if she would have still felt she had no other option than to give her sweet daughter up. i wonder if she still cries for her, the child she felt the best thing she could do for was to abandon them and give them a chance to be adopted. i think of her foster parents, and how they provided for and cared for her for the past 7 years.  she has stated she wants to be adopted and move to america with her forever family, but i wonder of the emotional toll us taking her will have on her foster parents, if any.

heidi baker is an awesome woman.  she was speaking once and said that she could tell when her adoptive children really felt they were part of the family, they would go from asking to get something out of the refrigerator, to just opening it and getting what they wanted--"refrigerator rights".  i understand this now, even though my daughter isn't home yet. i want her to feel her "slamming doors" rights. not that we will support that (slamming doors) her whole life, what i mean is, i want her to know that she can become upset and display this, and see that our love for her does not fade even in those times. she can slam a door, and know that we will be on the outside ready to talk it over when she is ready, and eager to follow up with a hug and "i love you". she can understand and know that she can be a kid (after years of adult responsibilities like caring for younger foster siblings), and still be treasured and valued beyond description. i'll take the tantrums, i'll take the power struggles, i'll take the testing limits and slamming doors, i just want her home, with us, safe and loved. 

“Sing, O barren one, who did not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not been in labor! For the children of the desolate one will be more than the children of her who is married,” says the LORD.--isaiah 54:1 

so as to not be a total debbie-downer, here's a picture of one of my favorite animal photo bombs, ever:


and one of a monkey who found a photo-journalist's lost camera and succeeded in taking the best selfie ever:


Monday, April 14, 2014

they will know us by our love for one another

"by this, they will all know you are my disciples if you have love for one another" --john 13:35

one thing i love about the adoption community, is how you feel instantly connected with a stranger who lives states away simply because you are both adopting. the reece's rainbow community is incredibly supportive and encouraging, with emerging friendships and life-long bonds formed, even if you never actually meet. there are of course, these people known as "trolls" who hate adoption...i think that's their point...i'm not sure what their solution is to the orphan crisis, but i'm sure if they'd articulate it instead of attacking adoptive families i'd nominate them for the nobel peace prize; but then again, it's easier to be venomous than it is to actually do something to make a positive change....

there's lots of judgement and nasty things said about adoption, families who adopt, families who adopt and admit it is H-A-R-D. it's easier to throw stones and spit venom than it is to reach out and offer encouragement. we don't think that "'murica is the greatest place in the galaxy! red, white, and err......blue!!!" but it is a blessed nation-that is why more countries are open to international adoptions where the forever family is in america than any other country (aside from putin, but really look at what the guy's done, do you really want him to be the example, the hill you die hoist your flag and die on?).  research the statistics of what happens to orphaned children that age out in china (and other countries).  should they really age out and become social outcasts with no real promises of jobs and quality education just because someone has a some issues with a few families that have adopted (or adoption in general, but again, i ask for their solution....change a culture? great, move there, do that-change the culture's mindset; better yet, move there, or become involved with a program that gets to the root of the issue so that there won't be any orphaned children to begin with...).

for every rotten person that slips through the cracks and is approved for adoption, and then bad stuff happens, there's 1,000s more that are wonderful, loving, caring, and servant-hearted families.  kind of like those wackos from westboro baptist church--you can't judge all christians by those 15.  kind of like kids with guns...not all kids carry guns to harm each other.  kind of like people in the south, most of us do have all of our teeth and can speak articulately. kind of like people up north, they don't all support abortion clinic inside walmarts.

moving on...:
i bought our sweet girl a dress the other day, and i hung it in her room.  i wasn't expecting the tears that would fill my eyes as i did this, and the ones that would continue to stream down my cheeks as i walked out and back down our stairs (trolls, don't worry, we will move upstairs to the guest room once our sweet girl is home and adjusted and feeling safe and secure).  i just want her home. i want to know that she is safe, nurtured, loved, and lavished with positive affirmation; the only way  my heart will rest is when she is home, and i know i and the hubs are providing that to her, and this is still 7-12 months away.

my in-laws are selling their home and buying one in our neighborhood, which will be wonderful for our sweet girl, to have her grandparents so close by.  we're excited to have them a quick walk away (don't worry, our neighborhood has private roads, and sidewalks which hare perfectly safe to walk on).

some resources:
i prefer facts to opinions and judgements
statistics are fun!
so many numbers!!!!!!
educate yourself past a news story (or two)
you'd rather them age out?--then do something about it (this is a christian site, but if you can find an atheist site that promotes ways to care for aging out orphans, then by all means....)

and finally: IT IS SO MUCH EASIER TO JUST LOVE PEOPLE.  hate is taxing and plus causes premature wrinkles, all that anger! let's just love each other.  they will know who we are, by our love for one another.

and if you're not a christian, you're still not excused, there is no reason to kill love:
“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” --anais nin