Monday, May 19, 2014

when i reach over...

there are times, which increase in frequency with each passing day, where i reach over to grab her hand as i cross the road and have to remind myself she's not here yet.

in the mornings when i stumble around with my cup of coffee and wait to hear her clopping down the stairs, and i then remind myself her precious footsteps are on the other side of the world.

i carry her heart with me. i'll borrow e.e. cummings' words: (copied exactly in his weird styling and literal arrangement:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

moving on: 

we are still neck deep i paper work, notarizations, officiations, authentifications, etc. but it's a 
necessity. so many terrible things happen to children, via adoption and otherwise.

part of the process is keeping up with these blogs and status updates, and there are times i'm not even 
sure how to articulate what we're feeling or in the midst of, or even thinking (so i may copy e.e. 
cummings--but at least i properly attribute it). if i'm asked a question i don't really know how to 
answer by well-intentioned, or just plain nosey, people, i usually resort to an 
exhale and a "it's going". i wish i could go into detail with everyone who asks, but honestly, i don't 
feel we have to anyway. it's okay for us to keep our hearts, and our sweet girl's life, guarded. we 
actually owe it to her to not treat her as a "story to tell" or promotion for a fundraiser. 

you can read all the fluffy words adoptive parents have to share, you can "wow" at us (adoptive 
families) all you want (or curse us and judge us if that's your m.o. for life), but it's about these 
children. who were created in His image, who didn't have a choice what womb carried them, what 
drugs invaded their systems at their most vulnerable and helpless time, who had no say in what 
culture they were born in (scorning females, viewing birth defects as "curses", etc.), and could do 
nothing but lay helpless as they were abandoned (or abused and neglected).  what we are called to do 
is step in and be a part of this story of redemption. we are to say "it's not about me", it's not about 
blog views and donations, it's not about t-shirt sales, it's not about shares, it's not about rather or not 
people "get it". it's about our children, our children who were carried in someone else's womb, but we
carry in our hearts. as angry as we can become (righteously or indigently) regarding their treatment, 
abandonment, etc. we must remain thankful that their birthmother chose life. our sweet girl's mommy 
loved her enough to choose life, and then wrap her in a blanket and leave her with a bag of milk, and 
for that, we are forever grateful. 

i can't even be angry at those anonymous comments left here either (i moderate, so i probably won't 
post them...or i'll save them all and do one "ha! look at what people say to us hiding behind a 
computer screen" post).  the people that you encounter face-to-face and have ugly things to say, i 
usually respond "okay, well, you don't have to do an international adoption then" (that's one of my 
more kind responses, i'm really working on my grace thing). the minute we start letting outsiders 
dictate our joy, our heart, and our mindset, is the minute we allow other's to take a leading role over 
our children. 

other's don't have to understand our hearts either. i can share the story of sadness that overtakes me in 
moments like the ones i first mentioned in this post, and people can stare blankly at me or deliver a 
"oh, she'll be home soon enough" without real love behind it, and that's okay too. our hearts, our 
family. we don't need understanding from acquaintances, friends, or even family to validate those 
things we feel deep in our hearts. 

besides, it's not about me anyway. ;) 

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