Tuesday, May 6, 2014

the art of the over-share, and how all things work together

i was an awkward kid:

i stood reverse-pigeontoed too (my affinity for short tunics and leggings started early)

i once went through a semi-androdginous stage  (why compete with  a "perfect" sister?) 

then i went through a drab stage

also, since pictures don't talk (per se), i'll let you in on a little bit of history:
* i was in speech therapy from the time i was 3 through high school (and bullied ruthlessly at points (trolls--whatevs, i've experienced worse than grammatically poor anonymous judgements)
* i was/(okay, still am) really socially awkward
* i lacked any and all coordination
* i didn't hear the doting i wanted/needed to hear (that was doted on aforementioned "perfect sister"), and therefore grew up with a significant inferiority complex
* i always felt like the black sheep of the family

the hubs was adopted domestically (i'm sure i've mentioned this), and has never ever ever mentioned or shown or anything that he had at any point experienced any grief or loss, or had "what if my birth mother..." thoughts. while watching one of our adoption education/training videos, the narrator made a statement to the effect "at some point in their life, every adopted child experiences some grief or sense of loss from their birth family".  i looked over at ryan and said "you've never mentioned any struggle with this....have you experienced this and it was just really brief so it wasn't worth talking about?" he shook his head and said "no, absolutely not, i never have".  (this is important to my "over-share" with our sw coming up next...). i'm pretty open and honest my feelings and experiences (part social awkwardness, part "the more honest i am about my crap the less they think i will judge them"--the later part doesn't work, it just puts people off (fyi)).

moving on to over-sharing:
our sw arrived (10 minutes after our disagreement (read previous post)) and we began our meeting. she was asking how our training was going and we discussed some of the videos we had recently watched (the above paragraph).  she noted that and said to keep the videos in mind anyway because even though he didn't experience any of that, it could have been subconscious or when he was so young he didn't remember, and that we needed to be aware that our daughter WILL. we were about he head upstairs for the tour and i just had to add on, i had to interject, i had to say something else (apparently my need to over-share is a natural reflex when it comes to conversations ending). i joked "it's funny, he's the one that is adopted and has no issued or doubts about his place and role in his family, i was biological and i grew up feeling like the black sheep, like i didn't belong". our sw perked up and readied her pen "tell me about that"...then the filter came on...too late :)
i explained that my sister was the beautiful one (and 12 years older, so when people complimented her, they felt no need to tell the 4 year old staining next to her she is a pretty girl too), my brother the charismatic and athletic one, and i was...well, none of that. i was awkward, i had a speech impediment i was made fun of for, and no one really to defend me. NO ONE TO SPEAK TRUTH OVER THOSE LIES. NO ONE TO PRAY WITH MY HURTING LITTLE GIRL HEART TO SEE IT'S IDENTITY IN CHIRST, and then read those identity-based verses with me.

there are all these articles and studies and what not about what level of thinking young children can do, but i have distinct memories at agest 3+ of knowing in my heart and head i wanted--needed to hear an adult tell me something positive and encoring, and not hearing it, or hearing the exact opposite. i remember being that young and seeing/hearing those other very young children around me be doted on and questioning in my mind (why won't they (adults) say nice things to me?).

i remember everything my young and teenage heart needed, and didn't receive. (at a certain point, you become responsible for yourself, i get that, and did).

i told our sw this and that i believe God wants to use that for good, He will use those experiences and hurts to help me be a wonderful mommy to our little girl. "and we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose" --romans 8:28.  and this "you intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives"--genesis 50:20 .  i continued to explain that all my hurts and experiences have taught me what the hurting hearts in little girls need.

parents say all the time that they would give up their life for their child, can i not also say that i believe in a sovereign God, who knew my beginning and end, who knew my daughter's beginning and end, and who knew my hurts and what would be her hurts, and that He brought me through those trials to teach me and show me what my sweet daughter needs and feels? He knows my daughter, and i believe that He entrusted me with those years of yuck i faced TO TEACH ME ABOUT HER HEART. i will not let her heart go without encouragement, i will not let her spirit go without being lifted, i will not let her go a day without knowing what her true and beautiful identity is.

He will not let a single remorse go without restoration, He will not let a single pain go without being used for His perfect purpose, He will not let a single wound go without bringing someone else their healing.

i love Him, and i love my daughter; therefore, who am i to question any reason that i had hurts, because i trust they will bring our daughter healing.

in the end, when we emerge from it all and see His purpose, we can say everything that passes by His hands: all the hurts and all the joy are for a far better purpose than we can understand. my daughter is that purpose.

plus: when you have years of social awkwardness behind you, you have no qualms about dressing up in a firefighter suit for your preschool :) 

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