Thursday, July 10, 2014

(it could be) a paralyzing fear

every day i want to punch satan in the face.

so much pain in the world.
so many lonely, abandoned, those who feel unloved.

(i will tie this story into adoption):
i once dated a jerk. and my heart was broken. wrenched. destroyed.
like a many songs state: "i wasn't sure i'd ever trust again".
(but i did, and am married to a magnificently splendid dude).
on our first few dates i hid my fears. i remained reserved in my mind, waiting for him to change his mind, turn, change his persona. but he didn't (and decided he actually couldn't contain himself and proposed like 5 weeks after our first date). we sprinted to the altar.
there are still times though, where those wounds peak up in my mind and heart and tell me "just wait, he's going to do the same thing". he hasn't, and won't (maybe beacaue he's afraid of my brother--he's crazy) (just kidding). the hubs has a pure heart for me. we work toward Christ, not each other (but it's that triangle thing, with Christ at the top...remember that from youth group?).
but the fear remains. because there is still a slight wound. the magnificent husband did nothing to cause the wound, he just happened to come along after it was dug deep.

imagine your similar broken heart/will i ever trust again story: and now think of our children we are bringing home through adoption.
abandoned in outhouse-toilets, train stations, sides of the road, in front of churches, left in hospitals, etc.
think of the bouncing around from foster home to foster home. orphanage to orphanage. the days filled with hunger. the nightmares not followed up by a comforting embrace. think of the lack of a consistently loving adult. the adult that was "there" but that's it, not really THERE.
we have all these fears:
"what if they hate me"
"what if they don't bond to me"
"what if they never tell me they love me"
"what if they never trust me"
"what if they aren't comforted by me"
"what if....."

it's okay and understandable if those fears are actually played out and real when our children come home! it's not about us. it's about them. it's about redemption.
we give it to God.
we leave them in His hands.
we work through that grieving process with them. they are not responsible for our happiness loving us back. we want their hearts to heal and be open to being loved and experiencing it, but ultimately that's where God steps in. He heals and restores what satan tried to destroy.

when hugs are pushed away.
when screams fill the house instead of giggles.
when doors slam in stead of open.
hate satan. love God and give it to Him.

there is a cross begging to receive our troubles, worries, and pain.
we mustn't carry them with us. we mustn't let satan have a double-victory in destroying our children's lives and our hearts through that.

this world began to break the minute eve took the fruit off the tree.
it continued to crumble when mommies had to leave their babies, "forgetting" them (isaiah 49:15);
but it was restored when Christ hung upon the tree, taking the curse for us (deuteronomy 21:23)
and continues to be restored through the redemption of adoption (james 1:27; psalm 68:6; isaiah 1:27...)

it began with a tree and it ended with a tree

everything horrible, terrible, sad, and heart-wrenchign that occurs after the redemptive tree is begging to be laid at it.
including our children and their hearts.

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