Tuesday, January 14, 2014

you fill my dreams

i know your sweet face.

what i don't know is what you are feeling and what your heart believes. do you know you are loved? do you think you are forgotten? do you know you have hope, or do you believe your days will be hopeless? have you been told that you are created perfectly in His image? have you been told He loves you far more than an earthly father can. i don't know what you will feel or think when you are told we are coming for you.

despite how little i actually know, you fill my dreams.

i dreamt we brought you home. we had asked friends and family to greet us there and welcome you. we came down the stairs, hands within each other, and they all cheered. there were so many people: they held cards and signs, flowers and balloons, and they smiled widely. you were terrified. who are these people? what are they saying? are these good cheers or scary cheers? what do these signs say? am i going somewhere with one of them now?  i could feel the cold sweat of your hands as you panicked. i could see the fear and confusion in your eyes. then i cried, not tears of joy though. i cried because i realized i asked those people to come for my vision, my excitement. now i saw how it scared you, how you didn't understand. and i then cried with you. i tried to apologize, but you couldn't understand my words.

i weep for your first time here, when you are filled with fear and confusion. i weep for how you'll miss the only life you've known. it might not be a "good" life, and less as most americans would measure it, but it was your life, and you knew it. i weep at the hurt you've experience, the rejection you may have felt, the times you've seen others go home to their forever families. i weep for the frustration you'll feel as you hear words you do not understand and try to learn a new language.  i weep at the thought of there being any faint memory of seeing your birth mommy walk away when you were so tiny. i tell myself that surely God's mercy would wipe such a visual memory.  i dream that you will feel joy when you see me walking toward you. God's redemption is beautiful.

i dream of showing you unconditional love you should have had from the beginning. i dream of being able to put my hand on your forehead and kiss your sweet cheek goodnight and of whispering prayers over you the way it should have been for the last 10 years.

i dream dreams that bring tears of joy for the hope to come, and also tears of sorrow for the hurt you have felt.

in every way now, you fill my dreams.

hope is rising sweet girl

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