Thursday, May 29, 2014

foolishness and the peacemakers

a dear sweet friend, who is much more wise and grace-filled than i once pointed out the exact phrasing in "blessed are the peaceMAKERS, for they will be called children of God"--matthew 5:9

it doesn't say "peaceKEEPERS" it says "...MAKERS"
KEEP--maintain what already is
MAKER--create/facilitate where there is a lack of
(how much more humility does it take, and a doing away with our own pride to walk into a life, situation, group where there is hate, strife, anger, and judgement and say "Jesus, show us how, show us how to love and help make peace, help mend!") 

after reading (ashamedly for the first time) The Hiding Place, that seed has grown into something i didn't really expect:
forgiveness. joy. 

of all the horrible things i've heard since we began the adoption of our sweet girl, the most awful has pushed me away form a family member that said it. our daughter was called a "punishment". it was phrased as this, "i just don't understand why you want to punish yourself for the rest of your life". 

i've been filled with anger toward this family member. i refuse to let them even be around our daughter when she's home at this point. our daughter is not a punishment, she is the one that has suffered for the last 10 years without a family coming for her. she is a blessing. a sweet whisper from God. 

between reading of the incredible joyful spirit in the midst of awful circumstances that betsie ten boom showed, it reminded me i had not changed my mindset of the peaceMAKER vs. peaceKEEPER verse. in the midst of beatings, starvation, and hate-filled environments, betsie ten boom announced she felt sorry for the concentration camp guards/tormentors; she was filled with sorrow because they were filled with hate, not with love. she was always encouraging her sister (corrie ten boom) to seek Jesus, ask for His help, feel sorrow instead of anger and bitterness when assaulted and cursed at. upon reading those powerful stories, i had to offer up my heart, feelings, and emotions. i had to offer up my offendable spirit. 

"for the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to those of us who are being saved, it is the power of God" --1 corinthians 1:18. 

of course they do not "get it"! of course it is foolishness to them! the secret of love, hope, and joy has not yet been revealed to them! we should weep for them, not because of what they say!-but because they are not yet able to feel this kind of love and joy! i find myself here now. thanking Him for the wonders of His word He has chosen to reveal to my heart, and praying that He would have mercy and reveal those same wonders to the hearts of others. 

how can i be a peaceMAKER to someone who called my daughter a punishment?! 
i can wait. i can wait until the Spirit moves, and then i can show love. i can show the blessing that she is. i can show the blessing this adoption is. i can show how He whispers His love to us through her. i can show HIM! because it's not about me. we are walking embodiments of His Word. we carry it in our hearts and it lights our way. oh, please! let asking for His help become as natural as breathing. LET US NO LONGER BE ABLE TO TELL WHERE HE ENDS AND I BEGIN! 

let us etch His word upon our heart so that there is no room for bitterness and offense in it, only love. 

proverbs 7:1-4
My son, keep my words
And treasure my commandments within you.
Keep my commandments and live,
And my teaching as the apple of your eye.
Bind them on your fingers;
Write them on the tablet of your heart.
Say to wisdom, “You are my sister,”
And call understanding your intimate friend


*paperwork update: home study has been sent to our agency and government people for approval. next step is this super expensive biometric fingerprinting. after that, we'll get an approval that we are not bad people. we then add this official "you're not bad/crazy people" certificate to our dossier (dos-e-a) packet, get all of it notarized, something else stamp, something else stamp, and then send all of that off to the chinese consulate people. then all we have to do is wait. 



Monday, May 19, 2014

when i reach over...

there are times, which increase in frequency with each passing day, where i reach over to grab her hand as i cross the road and have to remind myself she's not here yet.

in the mornings when i stumble around with my cup of coffee and wait to hear her clopping down the stairs, and i then remind myself her precious footsteps are on the other side of the world.

i carry her heart with me. i'll borrow e.e. cummings' words: (copied exactly in his weird styling and literal arrangement:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


moving on: 

we are still neck deep i paper work, notarizations, officiations, authentifications, etc. but it's a 
necessity. so many terrible things happen to children, via adoption and otherwise.

part of the process is keeping up with these blogs and status updates, and there are times i'm not even 
sure how to articulate what we're feeling or in the midst of, or even thinking (so i may copy e.e. 
cummings--but at least i properly attribute it). if i'm asked a question i don't really know how to 
answer by well-intentioned, or just plain nosey, people, i usually resort to an 
exhale and a "it's going". i wish i could go into detail with everyone who asks, but honestly, i don't 
feel we have to anyway. it's okay for us to keep our hearts, and our sweet girl's life, guarded. we 
actually owe it to her to not treat her as a "story to tell" or promotion for a fundraiser. 

you can read all the fluffy words adoptive parents have to share, you can "wow" at us (adoptive 
families) all you want (or curse us and judge us if that's your m.o. for life), but it's about these 
children. who were created in His image, who didn't have a choice what womb carried them, what 
drugs invaded their systems at their most vulnerable and helpless time, who had no say in what 
culture they were born in (scorning females, viewing birth defects as "curses", etc.), and could do 
nothing but lay helpless as they were abandoned (or abused and neglected).  what we are called to do 
is step in and be a part of this story of redemption. we are to say "it's not about me", it's not about 
blog views and donations, it's not about t-shirt sales, it's not about shares, it's not about rather or not 
people "get it". it's about our children, our children who were carried in someone else's womb, but we
carry in our hearts. as angry as we can become (righteously or indigently) regarding their treatment, 
abandonment, etc. we must remain thankful that their birthmother chose life. our sweet girl's mommy 
loved her enough to choose life, and then wrap her in a blanket and leave her with a bag of milk, and 
for that, we are forever grateful. 

i can't even be angry at those anonymous comments left here either (i moderate, so i probably won't 
post them...or i'll save them all and do one "ha! look at what people say to us hiding behind a 
computer screen" post).  the people that you encounter face-to-face and have ugly things to say, i 
usually respond "okay, well, you don't have to do an international adoption then" (that's one of my 
more kind responses, i'm really working on my grace thing). the minute we start letting outsiders 
dictate our joy, our heart, and our mindset, is the minute we allow other's to take a leading role over 
our children. 

other's don't have to understand our hearts either. i can share the story of sadness that overtakes me in 
moments like the ones i first mentioned in this post, and people can stare blankly at me or deliver a 
"oh, she'll be home soon enough" without real love behind it, and that's okay too. our hearts, our 
family. we don't need understanding from acquaintances, friends, or even family to validate those 
things we feel deep in our hearts. 

besides, it's not about me anyway. ;) 

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

the art of the over-share, and how all things work together

i was an awkward kid:

i stood reverse-pigeontoed too (my affinity for short tunics and leggings started early)

i once went through a semi-androdginous stage  (why compete with  a "perfect" sister?) 








then i went through a drab stage

also, since pictures don't talk (per se), i'll let you in on a little bit of history:
* i was in speech therapy from the time i was 3 through high school (and bullied ruthlessly at points (trolls--whatevs, i've experienced worse than grammatically poor anonymous judgements)
* i was/(okay, still am) really socially awkward
* i lacked any and all coordination
* i didn't hear the doting i wanted/needed to hear (that was doted on aforementioned "perfect sister"), and therefore grew up with a significant inferiority complex
* i always felt like the black sheep of the family

the hubs was adopted domestically (i'm sure i've mentioned this), and has never ever ever mentioned or shown or anything that he had at any point experienced any grief or loss, or had "what if my birth mother..." thoughts. while watching one of our adoption education/training videos, the narrator made a statement to the effect "at some point in their life, every adopted child experiences some grief or sense of loss from their birth family".  i looked over at ryan and said "you've never mentioned any struggle with this....have you experienced this and it was just really brief so it wasn't worth talking about?" he shook his head and said "no, absolutely not, i never have".  (this is important to my "over-share" with our sw coming up next...). i'm pretty open and honest my feelings and experiences (part social awkwardness, part "the more honest i am about my crap the less they think i will judge them"--the later part doesn't work, it just puts people off (fyi)).

moving on to over-sharing:
our sw arrived (10 minutes after our disagreement (read previous post)) and we began our meeting. she was asking how our training was going and we discussed some of the videos we had recently watched (the above paragraph).  she noted that and said to keep the videos in mind anyway because even though he didn't experience any of that, it could have been subconscious or when he was so young he didn't remember, and that we needed to be aware that our daughter WILL. we were about he head upstairs for the tour and i just had to add on, i had to interject, i had to say something else (apparently my need to over-share is a natural reflex when it comes to conversations ending). i joked "it's funny, he's the one that is adopted and has no issued or doubts about his place and role in his family, i was biological and i grew up feeling like the black sheep, like i didn't belong". our sw perked up and readied her pen "tell me about that"...then the filter came on...too late :)
i explained that my sister was the beautiful one (and 12 years older, so when people complimented her, they felt no need to tell the 4 year old staining next to her she is a pretty girl too), my brother the charismatic and athletic one, and i was...well, none of that. i was awkward, i had a speech impediment i was made fun of for, and no one really to defend me. NO ONE TO SPEAK TRUTH OVER THOSE LIES. NO ONE TO PRAY WITH MY HURTING LITTLE GIRL HEART TO SEE IT'S IDENTITY IN CHIRST, and then read those identity-based verses with me.

there are all these articles and studies and what not about what level of thinking young children can do, but i have distinct memories at agest 3+ of knowing in my heart and head i wanted--needed to hear an adult tell me something positive and encoring, and not hearing it, or hearing the exact opposite. i remember being that young and seeing/hearing those other very young children around me be doted on and questioning in my mind (why won't they (adults) say nice things to me?).

i remember everything my young and teenage heart needed, and didn't receive. (at a certain point, you become responsible for yourself, i get that, and did).

i told our sw this and that i believe God wants to use that for good, He will use those experiences and hurts to help me be a wonderful mommy to our little girl. "and we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose" --romans 8:28.  and this "you intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives"--genesis 50:20 .  i continued to explain that all my hurts and experiences have taught me what the hurting hearts in little girls need.

parents say all the time that they would give up their life for their child, can i not also say that i believe in a sovereign God, who knew my beginning and end, who knew my daughter's beginning and end, and who knew my hurts and what would be her hurts, and that He brought me through those trials to teach me and show me what my sweet daughter needs and feels? He knows my daughter, and i believe that He entrusted me with those years of yuck i faced TO TEACH ME ABOUT HER HEART. i will not let her heart go without encouragement, i will not let her spirit go without being lifted, i will not let her go a day without knowing what her true and beautiful identity is.

He will not let a single remorse go without restoration, He will not let a single pain go without being used for His perfect purpose, He will not let a single wound go without bringing someone else their healing.

i love Him, and i love my daughter; therefore, who am i to question any reason that i had hurts, because i trust they will bring our daughter healing.

in the end, when we emerge from it all and see His purpose, we can say everything that passes by His hands: all the hurts and all the joy are for a far better purpose than we can understand. my daughter is that purpose.


plus: when you have years of social awkwardness behind you, you have no qualms about dressing up in a firefighter suit for your preschool :) 




Friday, May 2, 2014

we keep it real y'all...

you know those families that hold hands all the time, finish each other's sentences, "never argue" and say, "no, you hang up first" "no, you!" "haha, no, you hang up first!" post pictures of elaborate homemade meals for nightly dinners and so on...yeah, that's not us.

we do things like eat snacks for dinner sometimes (like when we want to go to bed at 7...):



we also think 10 minutes before our sw arrives to our home for our final home study visit is a great time to get in an...um...disagreement. 
she's cool with that though, we laughed and told her about it later, just so she would know we were real.  
--see, there's a bunch of official what-not paperwork and official seals, and official authentifications and official blahs that have to be done. it's too stressful to think of the real terms for all that, much less do it yourself. agencies know this-which is why they offer to get all that what-not officialed and authenthified for you for an additional $2,000 (on the state/county level); and then theres more official blahs that have to be done on the country levels, and they will do that for you for $1,200.  i told ryan we could sell one of my kidneys, donate plasma, and sell his cat (not mine, mine is awesome, his we can do without) to pay for this, but he disagreed. i disagreed back and showed him some priceless family heirlooms we could sell to pay for it, and he disagreed with my disagreement...so on. (some of this may be hyperbole).  

anyhow, we showed our sw our home, the fire extinguishers, the smoke alarms, the carbon monoxide (or is it dioxide...) alarms, and our embarrassing ebay/junk room (which is NOT lu-lu's room). we then showed her our sweet girl's  perfect room. by this time, she hadn't ended the meeting early, so we felt pretty confident she thinks we can be entrusted to be lu-lu's mommy and daddy, even with a messy ebay room. 

what's next?
a bunch more papery stuff:
* we wait for her to type up her report, send it to us for review, and such. 
* then she submits it to the government and we then submit our i-800 application. ($720)
* once the gov. gets this and does their thing (who knows how long this will take, they have more important things to do, like mislead all of us...), we get our fingerprinting appt.  it's like x-men level/biometric super fingerprinting. ($85 a person)...(they better be able to tell me things i don't even know about myself for it to cost that much a person) (can't i just use the ink pads in my classroom's stamp box and do it myself?)

this doofus is pretty excited to meet lu-lu too. he's taking obedience classes and everything!
(ohmygoodness, no one ever told me how much work puppies were! why didn't anyone tell me! what are you people thinking who know the truth about puppies and get a puppy and pop out a baby the old fashioned way at the same time!)



anyhow, our fsp profile is officially on the "compiling dossier" page with rr now. woot! 
and there's over $100 in it! that's some beautiful love for our sweet girl! 

i'm trying to drink lots of water for now, just in case it comes down to ousting a kidney.